Anxiety in My Life - And What it Means for You

Yay! Girls!

A lot of people are checking out the site to learn how to be confident around girls. But this post will be more about how to be confident AFTER you have a girlfriend, and how not to mess everything up!

See, since I was a kid, my life was dictated by what-if's, worse-case scenarios, and constantly thinking other people were out to get me. It's still kinda that way, I suppose, but I have been slowly making changes to resolve this horrible affliction. I don't have the money to go and see a psychologist or psychiatrist, but the internet is free. After reading for years (information addiction), I have come to my own conclusion that what I am contending with is anxiety (social, general), which has lead to a number of things - delusional paranoia, depression, and low self-esteem and confidence.

It all leads to one thing: paralysis. The fear that everyone is laughing at you and the humilation it entails can make a person not want to do anything at all. Thinking you look abnormal causes you to not want to expose yourself to other people. Of course this will make it near impossible to meet other people, right? Here's a great technique that people often try to tell you to use, in order to break the ice, so that you'll eventually feel comfortable with other people:

Fake It Till You Make It

Sounds good, don't it? It's actually pretty similar to what I said when I talked about perception being reality. That if you exude a vibe that people like, it will come across as confidence. Things like keeping your posture straight, smiling, and staying clean and relatively healthy.

Keeping a confident air around you will help you to meet people, but after you've met the girl of your dreams, and you're going out, do you really think that you can keep it up forever? Do you think that fake confidence is going to keep you feeling on top of things when she goes out with her friends? Or when she gets a new job?

For those already anxious, I'm not saying that you should avoid meeting people altogether because eventually your anxiety is going to shine through! This is not a deal-breaker. You need to be aware of it, though, and you should be able to combat your feelings. They are irrational (for the most part).

Don't Seek Answers

In my recent 10 month excursion with a beautiful, talented woman, I was worried that I would be left behind. This actually showed me a couple of things.

1) I was scared to accomplish anything myself; I was dependent on her to push me forward and/or bring us both up with HER accomplishments.

2) I started looking for "evidence" that she would leave.

3) I ultimately pushed her away with my constant surveillance.

See, I had the confidence to get with her in the first place, but I was not prepared to handle what she was going to dish out. It was a reckless, berserk, insane relationship with huge swings of bliss and sorrow. We both confessed deep love for each other, and even after the breakup, we still had such a huge emotional connection that we could not stop calling one another.

I'm not saying it was all my fault. She did some things that she knew I did not approve of. But instead of me talking to her about it, I held back, and started looking for signs of her becoming disinterested. I would become cold, and I would be contemptuous if she ever asked me to do anything for her, thinking that she was trying to keep me as a slave. Doing these things made her feel like I didn't care about her, and she actually did start moving away, and hanging around with another guy.

Had I been cool about the situation, I could have talked to her. Had I been confident, I could have left her without feeling like I was losing an asset. Come to think of it, had I been confident - with money, large circles of friends, and charisma - she probably never would have gave me any reason to doubt her. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now What?

The breakup is complete, but she still calls. It was one of the most emotional experiences of my life, and she claims that it is THE most. I don't want to talk to her, because I don't want to feel like I am second in line. I'm still working this out, but I'm pretty sure a confident person would not feel this way. I'm pretty sure that a confident person would still talk to her like a human, not call her names or blame her for anything. Then again, I'm not so sure that it is entirely my fault. This is a very tricky situtation, and I'll post new insights as I gain them.

That about wraps it up for this post, though. As usual - post your comments below, and let's work all our feelings out together!

Perception is Reality! - Confidence Tips

There's a crazy thing that happens whenever you speak outloud to a group of people, or when you're dressed nice and walking around like you own the place, or when you smile at someone from your jalopy. And yes, this thing also happens when you have shit tons of money, and people know about said tons.

This thing that happens is conveyance of confidence! That rolls off the tongue like week-old sushi, don't it?

So here's the deal: if no one can see or hear that you're confident, then no one will know that you're confident.

This is commonly known as:

Perception is Reality

See, when people are all braggadocious and flashy and driving bad ass cars, they are showing the world, "Hey, look at me! I am confident! I had the big balls to go out and grab this up! I am a catch! You can have this, too!"

Don't buy it? Look at the expression on the guy next to you in the Porsche. Or watch the frat boy call across Chili's to a buddy of his. Or, at the shady gas station, observe the guy in saggin' pants and fake earrings approach a random car and sell a homemade CD.

In contrast, look how the shaky girl reads Harry Potter novels and never talks to anyone at her school. Try to find an inkling of the long-lost spark in the wino's eye (crackheads are different - don't look em in the eye, they have retard strength). Also, watch, as the kid with the slumped shoulders doesn't get a second glance from the 25-year old girls on their lunch break at the mall.

The point here is that what you exude, is true. OK, I made that up off the top of the head, but it means that people believe what they see and hear, and don't have the time to stop and wonder about how you hide your millions inside a dusty trenchcoat. They are too busy trying to get the latest such-and-such, and they have no patience when they have to guess.

Give Them What They Want

People are always looking for something. They have goals, aspirations. You are what stands between them, and what they want. So, why not give it to them? I don't mean punch them in the nose. I mean, be what they are looking for.

You could be the big flashy thing that makes their crew shine brighter. You could be the money-maker that everyone wants to learn from. You could be the lean, mean, sex devil that everyone envies and wants to be like. Mostly, people want to be great people. You can show them how to do that, can't you?

But How Am I Great?

Clarance, I'm just an ordinary person, you say to me! Well, so is everyone else, I answer you! The difference between you and Febrizio is that he has been trained to know what to build, and you were taught that life will run its course, and God has a plan for you.

Yes, once again, it's the ol' "Do Something" yarn. BE GREAT. Pick something you like. DO IT. BE GOOD AT IT. Your day shouldn't consist of "going to work and then going home and watching a whole season of True Blood". Figure out how to get some money. Throw some parties. Cook some food. Play some basketball. But don't give up! Suck at first, who cares!? Get better, and over time, you will be great. You think people just come out of the womb crossin' over fools? It takes practice. While you are probably not children that are reading my blog, you will have to start remembering what it is like to be a child. Say stupid shit. Do stupid shit. But love saying and doing them. As a child, you don't really worry about getting laughed at (unless you're bound by Eternal Christian Shame, as I am), so you just get up and do it again. You must be that person.

How to be Confident When You're On a Budget

Being a Broke-Ass Wiseguy

As I mentioned in a previous post, a lot of things that help you become confident are related to money. The costs that are incurred when presenting yourself in a capitalistic society can be quite high. One might think that in order to be confident, they must have money. Money to go out, money to buy gifts, money to stay fit and look great.

In reality, it's the other way around; Money comes to the confident man. But for you, my confidence-deficient brethren, the journey is different. You must change your path, and travel that road that conflicts with your affliction. There are a few ways to do this.

Drop Yourself Directly Behind Enemy Lines

If you are lacking self-confidence and don't have any money, you will need to alleviate at least one of these problems. Having confidence without money is fine. Having money without confidence is....OK, but the underlying problem is still gnawing at the postman's ass.

You can kill that persistent beast, like many before you, by going straight into its den and fighting it every day, licking your wounds afterward, until your skin is so tough and leathery that its bites cannot penetrate it, allowing you to drop the lethal blow to its skull with your auto mechanics' rubber mallet.

This means going out there, getting into the mix, talking out loud about whatever you want, shrugging off people's cute little Harvard remarks about your outfits, and eventually garnering the respect of your peers. Of course, the rules still apply. You can't just start hangin' out with a bunch of fine-ass rich girls looking like a bum and smelling like an unwashed bum. The rules of confidence: keep your ass and neck clean, have hobbies and aspirations, etc.

Before you know it, you'll be talking like them, making jokes they laugh at, and you'll feel like you accomplished something. Why? Because you did! You came in there bedraggled and downtrodden, and rose to a level of comfortability that you never knew before. Now you too can talk down at society's failures!

 

Inherit Some Money or Start a Bad-Ass Business

If someone in your family drops a shit ton of cash on you, you're in luck! This will allow you to buy your success, and you'll be able to drink it all away in shame, because you still lack those interpersonal skills so badly needed for human interaction. Look at it this way, though - now you can at least afford some therapy!

If it's a business you've inherited, and you're constantly knocking down all your profits by drinking and throwing lavish parties to keep your social revenue up - try to get a competent manager in there so they can keep your head out of water as you spiral downward into addiction. You can still invest in some therapy.

If you're running the business and want to be successful, you're still going to be Behind Enemy Lines, like above. You will have to convey that confidence, especially if you are selling something. Ass and neck clean, you will be fighting the Beast.

 

A Mixture of the Two

If you would like to appear like you are doing OK, but want to subtly ease your way into the mix, then here is the step for you - and the whole point of this post! This is confidence on a budget, and here are a few ways you can cut costs to get the most out of your buck.


- Quit going out to eat. If you live in an apartment, you (hopefully) have a refrigeration unit and a freezer. These can be used for (gasp!) storing food, and that costs WAY less than going to Taco John's Shiskebab every day after work. The only exception to this is eating from the dollar menu, and only getting a couple of items. You can cook your own food for less than half the cost of having it prepared. This is also cool, because you can cook FOR OTHER PEOPLE. That's always cool. One downside is that it takes time, but you weren't really doing anything anyway, were you? If you're really struggling, you can eat ramen noodles all the time, and you'll still have money left to buy the extra toilet paper that you're gonna need.

- If you're REALLY broke (or if it looks like you're really broke to the government), you can get food stamps. All it takes is a day in a dingy downtown office and a follow-up, maybe two. These things are gold, because you can use them to have some pretty big barbecues. Also, you can sell em! Give your buddy 100 bucks worth of food and ask him for 50 dollars. Score! (Don't do that, it's illegal.)

- Get a roommate, or get a smaller place. You can effectively cut your rent cost in half with a roommate. A lot of times, the problem is finding someone who will actually carry their own weight. A secondary problem is finding someone who doesn't get drunk every night and piss on the couch. You can also look into getting a music rehearsal room. They are cheap, and you're not really supposed to "live" in them, but if you have a computer and do, say, graphic design, you can put all your shit in there, and go sleep at your girl's house.

- Avoid Contracts. These will kill you in an uncertain economy. Stay away from subscription services that hook your ass up when you least expect it during the month. There's nothing worse than going out with a girl from a concert and wanting to get breakfast for her, only to find out that your Asian Cum Guzzler subscription hit, and you're 20 bucks in the hole (no pun intended). Try and have few bills as possible: rent, internet, phone. Consolidate anything you can.

- Cheap Clothes, Great Price. There are a lot of stores that have discounted brand-name clothes. In my area, it's Ross. You can get some good shit from there that would otherwise cost you a small fortune. And no one will ever notice the manufacturing defects.

- Other Cheap Shit that's cool. There are drink specials, matinee movies, museum coupons... keep your eyes peeled for stuff like that, because you'll need 'em when you finally go out with a girl.

- If you gotta smoke, roll on! Smoking is a pain in the ass. It's expensive and messes up those things you use to breathe. But all the black-lung pictures in the world can't hold a flame to the way that smoking alleviates anxiety (until you get addicted - then it causes it). If you gotta smoke, try rolling your own. It's a hell of a lot cheaper. Get a roller for a few bucks, a carton of tubes for a few bucks, and a pound of tobacco for about 40. That should roll almost 3 cartons, and that's a lot cheaper than $6 or $8 or $10 a day. Very tedious, though. And don't let anyone see you doing it, cuz you might get called out for being a cheap-ass!

- Drinking. Well, a little drink never hurt anyone.


I know this all sounds sarcastic, but in all seriousness, these techniques are meant to spark your imagination. Anything you can do to cut your cost when you're on a budget means more money in your pocket. The rapper Fat Joe used to sleep in abandoned apartments, and he never told his girlfriend about it. She thought he was out doing his thing, and going home to a comfortable bed, or his mom's house, or whatever. The point is, perception is reality!

UPDATE: So, this is an older post, and I can see by reading it, I am still thinking along the lines of external validation, i.e. using money and status to feel better about the self. I believe it is true that if you have money, you will feel confident, because it allows freedom and resources to give others, creating status. It is much more practical to build self-esteem through internal validation, though, and that is a concept I will be exploring further from now on.

How To Be Confident Around Girls

You walk into a bar. You see your friends ordering drinks. You walk up to them, greet everyone, and then excuse yourself to the nastiest bathroom in the city because you ate some green chile and grade-K beef nachos earlier in the day.

On the way back to your group, you run into that cute girl from work. But she doesn't look the same. She looks like Aurora, in all her splendor, a glowing goddess in a god-forsaken dive. Because that's her name. Aurora. Aurora Colorado.

She's dolled up, and she's with 2 other girls that are equally attractive, looking like backup dancers for Pink, and making you realize that this story is made up.

She says "Hi", and you face her and her entourage, and suddenly you realize a few things:

- You have Grade-K Nacho on your shirt, that sits right at the cusp of your belly and man-boobs.
- You were gonna brush your teeth earlier, but you said "fuck it", like you have for the past 2 days, instead amassing an interesting odor by piling different types of food and chemicals into your mouth.
- You're wearing your ComicCon shirt from last year.

You return the greeting, say something about you haven't been doing much, tell her to have fun, shuffle back to your friends, slam some beer and shots, then find her at the end of the night and slur to her a flurry of spur-of-the-moment words that allow her to infer that you see her as a blur.

Then you kick yourself in the ass repeatedly in the morning. How could this have been avoided?!

The Makeover

This whole makeover thing is getting oft-repeated and starting to lose its effectiveness with everyone trying to make money off it, but it's true. You need to work on yourself a little. It probably won't happen overnight (another truism that is working as a disclaimer for bullshit nowadays), but you gotta make something happen.

So here's a quick list in the confidence makeover:

- I know you love the fast food, but be careful with it. Especially if you don't exercise, and you are broke. Being broke works against you in a capitalistic society, so if you are short on money, don't make it shorter by spending it on something that's gonna make you sedated. Unless that something is Vicodin or Percodan or the like - something you can sample out. Highly addictive prescription pills work best.

- Try to keep yourself clean, you sloppy bastard. Same as above, be careful with ANY food. If you're going out, at least don't advertise what you've been eating all day, unless you want a porker or a slob like yourself. Keeping clean also means wash your clothes sometimes, brush your teeth (at least to get the chives off), and maybe investing some fast food money into some body spray.

- Don't say you're "not doing much these days". That instantly translates to a lot of negative things you COULD be: boring, broke, socially inept, a stalker, an XBox addict, a porn addict, or a serial killer. I realize that you may not be climbing Mt. Everest or maintaining a key role in conglomerate corporate mergers, but you could be studying for your Japanese proficiency exam, writing a book, working towards a promotion, or even taking part in a recent event - like helping someone move, or writing a song. All of which leads to:

- DO SOMETHING!! You can't keep frontin' forever! Get a hobby! Find something that interests you, and start nailing it like the bitch it is. I've always said that if you do something with passion, the money will come (and if you do something for money, you'll hate it, and you'll fall flat on your face). If you like to teach people things, start teaching something. If you like to fight, become a boxer. If you're all logical like Spock, do some programming. Your skills are always in need. Just because website design is competitive and a 2-year old can make a site nowadays, you can always put your own twist on anything.

- The gym is your friend. This one is overused too, but it's truth. Keep in mind what a person's natural desires are: to procreate, to survive. Food, shelter, and security. Although we live in a relatively soft, safe society, the mind knows instinctively that a big fat guy ain't gonna ward off hordes of rival tribesmen, catch gazelles, or fight a cougar. More on human instinct later.

- Don't Go Back After You're Drunk! This little move instantly shows that you aren't confident until you're drunk, and that's not a good thing. If you can talk, then why don't you talk when you meet up, instead of waiting for the liquid courage to kick in and spill your guts? You have something to hide, don't you...

Thoughts on Being Broke

As I posted above, a lot of this translates to money, especially living Stateside. But even if you are broke, you can still be confident, and look good doing it. You should at least have some sort of income, however. I will make a post on this in the future, but suffice to say that there are lots of shortcuts, ways to appear as if you're doing OK. And we all know that appearance is everything, and perception is reality. Here is my Confidence on a Budget post.

It Takes Time

It's gonna take a while for you to start cleaning up your act. Try and stay focused and aware of what you are doing, and it will become second nature to you over time. Don't get too flustered and anxious if you slip up occasionally - it's bound to happen.

One thing to remember is that you can't win 'em all. The most confident people in the world have taken some serious losses throughout their lives. The important thing is how you deal with setbacks (more on this later). A quick answer to that is that if you do something stupid, no one will remember it the way you do.

Keep your head up - build yourself and your life into something great. If you have anything to add, please drop some comment-love.

How Your Religious Upbringing Made You The Most Anxious Person in the World

By Jesus Christ

Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not kill.

Pretty straightforward. These simple rules do their part in holding together the fabric of society, don't they? In most places, yeah. In some places - not so much. But the thought is there, and there's something to be said for that.

With that out of the way - let's talk about your loyalty and resolve of your family to the church - and all the little neurotic extra commandments you might have gotten in your household growing up.

Such gems as: Thou shalt not dance. Thou shalt not get naked in front of anyone. Thou shalt not swear. Thou shalt not treat school like a Fashion Show. Thou shalt not talk to strangers. Thou shalt not draw attention to thyself.

Sounds like the South.

These aren't explicitly said, but good ol' Mom or Dad might be transferring these onto you with little phrases like, "I don't think that hanging out with that cute girl is a good idea - she doesn't go to church", or "Jesus was just a carpenter, and he was the greatest man that ever existed!" (What 'wood' Jesus do - that's a t-shirt waiting to happen), or,"You know, the people of Sodom and Gomorrah liked to dance, and they turned to salt!" You get enough of those when you're 10 years old, combined with blocking contact with kids that don't fit the bill, you're living in a fantasy world of woman-headed griffons with scorpion tails, water turning into wine that you can't drink, and 40 year-old virgins.

Now, this is based on my own experiences, and I'm sure there are semi-healthy religious families. But some of the most neurotic people I've ever met were Christians in the South (of America, to my African readers, but you may agree). There's a lot of control involved. A lot of the "it has to be this way" mentality. A lot of looking down on, a lot of frowning upon, a lot of conformity. I guess conformity is an OK thing, if you live in a society where that's the normal thing. But it's neutralizing in America (and a lot of other places - I'm looking at you, England), especially if you want to be confident around girls :)

One of the most damaging things to believe in is that "The meek shall inherit the Earth."

This sounds great on paper! Nothing more fulfilling than to know that as long as you sit down, shut up, and get your WORK done, then you will live happily ever after. Now, I know that there are other things implied in this phrase (like, your meek ass probably won't be around to see the meek inherit the Earth), but the effect of believing this nonsense is immediate. People can be all around you, clambering for attention, arguing for what they want, talking to random people and having a great time, while you sit smugly knowing that it is all temporary - your legacy will someday be inheriting ALL of it!

Here's something that just popped into my head while I was writing this:

If you're not supposed to want material things, not supposed to want to have sex, not supposed to be charming or flashy or powerful -

- then what the hell are you gonna do when you inherit the Earth??

Or does the phrase mean that someday you'll get your big reward? If that's the case, then why aren't you getting it now, before your old ass regrets it? Especially when it's all attainable!

That was a tangent, but it's relevant. My point is that religion causes anxiety (or certain religions, like the Western ones), and although the intentions are good, they are damaging when they are put in a commercial context.

Hmmm... religion in a commercial context - sounds interesting....