I am 22 hours into a fast. I am fasting to clean out my body and lose weight. At the end of the fast, I told myself I would go to the gym to push some heavy weight, then come home and break the fast with about 5 strips of bacon :)
I believe that the foundation of confidence, at least in my situation, is a healthy body and mind. I believe that the healthy mind follows the healthy body, so the body is first. Generations ago, there was not so much worry about having an unhealthy body, because our food was so much less processed. All natural foods, less chemicals in the environment. We are now in a world where we constantly validate ourselves through food and entertainment.
A problem I am having at the moment is actually putting on my shoes and driving 3 minutes down the street to get behind the chest press and push some weight. My thought process is going like this:
1) Wake up. Man, I'm hungry. Smoke a cigarette.
2) I've got to go the gym. I really don't want to go out there.
3) It's cold. I won't be in there long, just 15 or 20 minutes.
4) Eh, but I know there are all those big dudes in there. My little weight will be an embarrassment.
5) Just go - I need to do something good for myself (self-validation)
6) Smoke another cigarette. Really don't want to put my contacts on.
7) My knee and lower back hurt. (heart starts racing)
8) Maybe I should write all these thoughts down in the blog. How does all of this tie into my blog? (procrastination)
9) What if I forget all of these thought processes? I won't have anything to write about. (more procrastination)
10) I'll just jot it all down real quick, and then do my little workout. My body needs some good stress. (procrastination, followed by self-validation)
12) Nobody knows me there, I'll be in and out.
13) brb
...And I'm glad I went. I feel much better, and that bacon is going to be awesome.
Thursday, December 6, 2018
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
How To Validate Yourself
If you have anxiety, depression or low self-esteem, I'm going to go ahead and guess that you have a problem self-validating yourself, and you constantly seek external validation. I am going to guess that you believe that you do not matter, and your needs are not meant to be met. You might not even realize that you believe these things, but the fact is, if you are unmotivated to bring changes into your life because of fear or low confidence (which is, in the end, fear), then it most likely comes from a place of "not good enough", which stems from shame endured in childhood.
How does that work? Well, if you are denied your needs, it sends the message that you aren't good enough to have your needs met, therefore later in life, you do things to sabotage your happiness. This usually manifests itself as, "I'm not good enough, so I won't try". You will procrastinate working on things, you will be scared to release your ideas to the public, you will not speak out for your beliefs, and you will probably not stand up for yourself in a healthy way. As these behaviors create more negative results, you will look at these results and say, "See, I really am no good," and worsen the cycle.
No human can have all his/her needs met in infancy. There will always be a time when someone is unable to feed you as soon as you are hungry, for example, or change your diaper. Helpless, you will panic because something that you need is being temporarily ignored. If this is often or intense enough, there is a chance that it can have disastrous effects. These feelings can be exacerbated in adolescence and beyond.
You don't really understand that your needs weren't met when you get older. Your life has always been just the way it is - this makes it easier to start to believe that something is wrong with you, and you will never be successful or happy.
I believe that accepting yourself, and validating yourself is the way to stopping anxiety, and therefore a host of other disorders.
So, how do you go about doing this, if you have never felt what it is like to be validated?
There is all kinds of advice on the internet about how to "love" yourself. A lot of what I am going to suggest has been suggested before, but I think that understanding what you are doing, and why, is paramount to actually following through with it! So let's get on with it:
1) Exercise
Almost any place you go, exercising is on the list of things to do to cure anxiety and depression. It is true, it works. It's easier said than done, though - a lot of times when you are depressed, you don't feel like going out, and it's easy to find an excuse not to go to the gym.
Look behind the action to see the mechanism. Maybe you weren't allowed to go outside when you were younger, or you were coddled a bit too much. Both of these situations lead you to believe that you aren't good enough to handle physical activity. It may seem like exercising is "not for you", but the human genome disagrees. It's for everybody, and necessary. You don't have to do a ton of work: Lifting weight is some of the best exercise you can do, and you just lift heavy a couple of times and go home (at first). This will have amazing results when you......
2) Change Your Diet
Another staple in the online advice for building confidence. Even if your mother cooked your meals, perhaps she used a lot of processed foods and canned goods. This communicates to you that you aren't good enough for healthy, natural foods, and you will spiral out of control later in life. I actually think this issue is more important than exercise. The modern world is full of processed food, almost all of it controlled by a handful of companies. Couple that with the fact that these companies use the media to spread false information about food, and you have a "recipe" for disaster. (lol)
Contrary to what you've been told all your life, your diet should consist of a lot of fat. Healthy fat, not cupcakes. I went on a bacon, steak and eggs diet for a month, and lost 20 pounds naturally. I also stayed full the duration of the time. I'll make a post dedicated to this, but for now, just eat bacon, eggs, beef, white rice, white potatoes, and green leafy vegetables, or those of the cruciferous variety - broccoli and spinach are great. Cook everything in butter, olive or coconut oil. Stay the eff away from: soda, high fructose corn syrup, vegetable oil, pasta, bread and beer.
After a week, your mind will clear up, and you will have lost weight. And you will miss soda and tacos.
Just by doing these things, you are telling yourself that you care. You care enough to put good nutrition into it, and you protect it by making it stronger. This is "loving yourself", not reading affirmations to a mirror. There are more ways to self-validate, but these 2 are foundations. Yes, you can show yourself that you love it by dressing nice and grooming, but until you love your body, these will always be secondary.
I struggled with the self-validation concept for a long time. I knew I had to exercise, but I could never muster the willpower to do it for an extended period. I couldn't see quick results, and that brought feelings of not being good enough, and I was left with a "what's the point?" type of view. I would then eat or booze up to get the high I was looking for. Nowadays, I appreciate the act for what it is, which is demonstrating love for myself. When it comes time to go to the gym, I know that I am going to strengthen my body because I want it to survive harsh conditions, instead of "God, I have to workout because if I don't, no one will like me". This small change in point of view is the difference between love and hate for the gym.
Once I started caring, my anxiety dropped precipitously. Things bother me less. I'm still a little anxious about seeing more results, but I'm finding it easier to write in this blog. The clarity and extra energy are working together to boost my confidence, and I am much less worried about how I write or what I write. It is truly a miracle.
How does that work? Well, if you are denied your needs, it sends the message that you aren't good enough to have your needs met, therefore later in life, you do things to sabotage your happiness. This usually manifests itself as, "I'm not good enough, so I won't try". You will procrastinate working on things, you will be scared to release your ideas to the public, you will not speak out for your beliefs, and you will probably not stand up for yourself in a healthy way. As these behaviors create more negative results, you will look at these results and say, "See, I really am no good," and worsen the cycle.
No human can have all his/her needs met in infancy. There will always be a time when someone is unable to feed you as soon as you are hungry, for example, or change your diaper. Helpless, you will panic because something that you need is being temporarily ignored. If this is often or intense enough, there is a chance that it can have disastrous effects. These feelings can be exacerbated in adolescence and beyond.
You don't really understand that your needs weren't met when you get older. Your life has always been just the way it is - this makes it easier to start to believe that something is wrong with you, and you will never be successful or happy.
I believe that accepting yourself, and validating yourself is the way to stopping anxiety, and therefore a host of other disorders.
So, how do you go about doing this, if you have never felt what it is like to be validated?
There is all kinds of advice on the internet about how to "love" yourself. A lot of what I am going to suggest has been suggested before, but I think that understanding what you are doing, and why, is paramount to actually following through with it! So let's get on with it:
1) Exercise
Almost any place you go, exercising is on the list of things to do to cure anxiety and depression. It is true, it works. It's easier said than done, though - a lot of times when you are depressed, you don't feel like going out, and it's easy to find an excuse not to go to the gym.
Look behind the action to see the mechanism. Maybe you weren't allowed to go outside when you were younger, or you were coddled a bit too much. Both of these situations lead you to believe that you aren't good enough to handle physical activity. It may seem like exercising is "not for you", but the human genome disagrees. It's for everybody, and necessary. You don't have to do a ton of work: Lifting weight is some of the best exercise you can do, and you just lift heavy a couple of times and go home (at first). This will have amazing results when you......
2) Change Your Diet
Another staple in the online advice for building confidence. Even if your mother cooked your meals, perhaps she used a lot of processed foods and canned goods. This communicates to you that you aren't good enough for healthy, natural foods, and you will spiral out of control later in life. I actually think this issue is more important than exercise. The modern world is full of processed food, almost all of it controlled by a handful of companies. Couple that with the fact that these companies use the media to spread false information about food, and you have a "recipe" for disaster. (lol)
Contrary to what you've been told all your life, your diet should consist of a lot of fat. Healthy fat, not cupcakes. I went on a bacon, steak and eggs diet for a month, and lost 20 pounds naturally. I also stayed full the duration of the time. I'll make a post dedicated to this, but for now, just eat bacon, eggs, beef, white rice, white potatoes, and green leafy vegetables, or those of the cruciferous variety - broccoli and spinach are great. Cook everything in butter, olive or coconut oil. Stay the eff away from: soda, high fructose corn syrup, vegetable oil, pasta, bread and beer.
After a week, your mind will clear up, and you will have lost weight. And you will miss soda and tacos.
Just by doing these things, you are telling yourself that you care. You care enough to put good nutrition into it, and you protect it by making it stronger. This is "loving yourself", not reading affirmations to a mirror. There are more ways to self-validate, but these 2 are foundations. Yes, you can show yourself that you love it by dressing nice and grooming, but until you love your body, these will always be secondary.
I struggled with the self-validation concept for a long time. I knew I had to exercise, but I could never muster the willpower to do it for an extended period. I couldn't see quick results, and that brought feelings of not being good enough, and I was left with a "what's the point?" type of view. I would then eat or booze up to get the high I was looking for. Nowadays, I appreciate the act for what it is, which is demonstrating love for myself. When it comes time to go to the gym, I know that I am going to strengthen my body because I want it to survive harsh conditions, instead of "God, I have to workout because if I don't, no one will like me". This small change in point of view is the difference between love and hate for the gym.
Once I started caring, my anxiety dropped precipitously. Things bother me less. I'm still a little anxious about seeing more results, but I'm finding it easier to write in this blog. The clarity and extra energy are working together to boost my confidence, and I am much less worried about how I write or what I write. It is truly a miracle.
Build Your Self-Esteem With Self-Validation
I had an epiphany yesterday.
I started this blog many years ago, because I was struggling with my lot in life. I always hated the jobs I ended up in. I didn't much care for society in general. Especially after the internet came around, I always wanted to make tons of money online, so that I didn't have to deal with anyone, and just run around doing whatever I wanted to: travel, make art and construct my empire.
I've never had a problem studying things. I am actually well-versed in tons of concepts, from psychology to economy. It didn't take me long to figure out the mechanics of making money online. I wanted to make money blogging, and I decided to take low-competition keywords about confidence to manifest my experiences, while giving you all some hope or even answers.
Of course, I didn't stick with it. I blogged for a while. I created a few backlinks. I got a little traffic. But there was no money. The only thing that I had for monetization on this site was an affiliate banner for a binaural sounds program, and I made a few posts about it, even though I only used it a few times.
I think I may have been jobless at the time I started blogging. I was an alcoholic and I often stewed in my own misery and "hid out", not participating in society. I did this under the pretense that I didn't agree with anything society was doing, so I just wouldn't take part in it. Looking back, it was because I was anxious and afraid of being humiliated out there, or being physically harmed. This obviously led to hating myself more and more; reinforcing my thoughts about life being unfair, and directing my hatred towards people that were "successful". I had no self-confidence.
The epiphany was this:
If I had made money, I would have felt great.
That's a problem.
It's a problem, because it means that I needed money to feel validated.
How many times have you ever thought to yourself, "If I only had X, I would feel better"?
"If I had money". "If I had a better car". "If I had beautiful women". "If my teeth were straight".
This is more of a site for men, but girls think, "If I had bigger boobs".
All of these statements share one thing in common: They are seeking validation from something EXTERNAL, meaning that you feel as if you are a worthless human being if "having X" is not a true statement. That is a difficult equation to solve. If you cannot validate yourself INTERNALLY, then if you cannot find external validation, you will feel lost and inadequate.
You can start to fight for a better car, or braces for your teeth, so you can attract women. But if you start off without these things, yet need them to feel validated, you will hesitate and spiral into self-doubt. At least, that is what happened to me.
I started making a shift to an internal validation process about a week ago, after reading about self-validation. I fasted for 18 hours - to give my body a chance to recuperate. I went to the gym afterward, to try and build strength. I didn't eat anything processed or sweetened. A few days later, I realized this truth about what I had been actually seeking externally, and why I was feeling bad when it never came to me, or when it did come to me, but not how I wanted it or expected it.
I was raised by well-meaning, but super-strict parents. I was expected to help raise my brother and sister and put myself second. I pretty much always expected to not get what I wanted, because I was conditioned that way. I grew up "a nice kid", because I was always courteous and put myself before others. I never knew that I was allowed to have my needs met. This caused me to lash out at religion and authority figures throughout my life.
Trying Something....Anything
I didn't know what to do about anything, honestly. I tried to read everything I could about depression, anxiety and self-confidence, but nothing rang a bell for me. I still have self-confidence problems, but I can feel the path that I'm supposed to go towards.
I'm happy I made this blog, though. Even if the first posts are cringy when I read them now, I'm happy I did something. If anything, I could sort my thoughts out. Now, however, I'm going to be focusing on something different.
I started this blog many years ago, because I was struggling with my lot in life. I always hated the jobs I ended up in. I didn't much care for society in general. Especially after the internet came around, I always wanted to make tons of money online, so that I didn't have to deal with anyone, and just run around doing whatever I wanted to: travel, make art and construct my empire.
I've never had a problem studying things. I am actually well-versed in tons of concepts, from psychology to economy. It didn't take me long to figure out the mechanics of making money online. I wanted to make money blogging, and I decided to take low-competition keywords about confidence to manifest my experiences, while giving you all some hope or even answers.
Of course, I didn't stick with it. I blogged for a while. I created a few backlinks. I got a little traffic. But there was no money. The only thing that I had for monetization on this site was an affiliate banner for a binaural sounds program, and I made a few posts about it, even though I only used it a few times.
I think I may have been jobless at the time I started blogging. I was an alcoholic and I often stewed in my own misery and "hid out", not participating in society. I did this under the pretense that I didn't agree with anything society was doing, so I just wouldn't take part in it. Looking back, it was because I was anxious and afraid of being humiliated out there, or being physically harmed. This obviously led to hating myself more and more; reinforcing my thoughts about life being unfair, and directing my hatred towards people that were "successful". I had no self-confidence.
The epiphany was this:
If I had made money, I would have felt great.
That's a problem.
It's a problem, because it means that I needed money to feel validated.
How many times have you ever thought to yourself, "If I only had X, I would feel better"?
"If I had money". "If I had a better car". "If I had beautiful women". "If my teeth were straight".
This is more of a site for men, but girls think, "If I had bigger boobs".
All of these statements share one thing in common: They are seeking validation from something EXTERNAL, meaning that you feel as if you are a worthless human being if "having X" is not a true statement. That is a difficult equation to solve. If you cannot validate yourself INTERNALLY, then if you cannot find external validation, you will feel lost and inadequate.
You can start to fight for a better car, or braces for your teeth, so you can attract women. But if you start off without these things, yet need them to feel validated, you will hesitate and spiral into self-doubt. At least, that is what happened to me.
I started making a shift to an internal validation process about a week ago, after reading about self-validation. I fasted for 18 hours - to give my body a chance to recuperate. I went to the gym afterward, to try and build strength. I didn't eat anything processed or sweetened. A few days later, I realized this truth about what I had been actually seeking externally, and why I was feeling bad when it never came to me, or when it did come to me, but not how I wanted it or expected it.
I was raised by well-meaning, but super-strict parents. I was expected to help raise my brother and sister and put myself second. I pretty much always expected to not get what I wanted, because I was conditioned that way. I grew up "a nice kid", because I was always courteous and put myself before others. I never knew that I was allowed to have my needs met. This caused me to lash out at religion and authority figures throughout my life.
Trying Something....Anything
I didn't know what to do about anything, honestly. I tried to read everything I could about depression, anxiety and self-confidence, but nothing rang a bell for me. I still have self-confidence problems, but I can feel the path that I'm supposed to go towards.
I'm happy I made this blog, though. Even if the first posts are cringy when I read them now, I'm happy I did something. If anything, I could sort my thoughts out. Now, however, I'm going to be focusing on something different.
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Anxiety - Playing the Long Game
I started this blog 8 years ago. I just found it again in 2018 lol.
I find it simply hilarious that one of the best-performing posts on here is "I'm So Anxious, I Can't Get Anything Done". Self-fulfilling prophecy at it's finest!
But all is not lost, that post garnered some views, and 2 comments! Thank you.
As I ponder my past musings, and reflect on events in my life, I think it is safe to say that a long-game strategy is probably one of the best attitudes to keep. That is completely the opposite of the messages that we receive every day in society. It also follows the "abundance" mentality - that if you cannot have something, you shouldn't fret, because there is always more of that thing in your surroundings.
I built these few blog posts, and then I was whisked away by life, and I utterly forgot about it. It remained, however, and whatever backlinks I sent to the site stayed intact, and here we are.
I was anxious at the time. I'm still anxious today. I went through a short period where my anxiety was not as controlling, but when I face a personal crisis or hard times, it rushes back in to "give me a helping hand".
I am not unemployed; I am currently a waiter. It sounds trite, but I actually like doing it, because it allows me to speak Japanese most days. The pay can be rather nice at times, after busting my ass all night. Plus, Japanese etiquette says I can drink with my customers on the job ;)
But sometimes I get anxious because I want more.
I was an electronics technician in the Navy. I was a liaison for US heads of companies at a large distribution company in Tokyo, and a kick-ass stand-up forklift operator.
But I have my own strange views about money. I've never liked it.
"Well, there's your problem," I just heard you say.
I will now retract my statement, and put it a different way: "I don't believe that money is the only way to indicate a person's worth". I also don't like working for someone whose policies I do not agree with.
I do like the freedom and resources that money provide in current year. In older times, that freedom and resourcefulness would have been gained by guts and smarts. If you wish to have resources and freedom, then you must play the game of the dishers-out of the green.
I sometimes regret leaving the creativity stifling 14-hour a day 6-day workweeks at the distribution center for a high-paced bartending job at a busy Tokyo nightclub, and all the problems that came with that. Nothing could top that experience, but now sitting in my apartment with 2 roommates and a meh existence can cause the ol' anxiety to flare up. These 2 youngsters are constantly going out, meeting new people, online gaming and always laughing. I miss all of that. I could do all of that - and sometimes do - but I'm a little more careful with muh money these days.
Of course, I could have played the long game back then, too, and I would probably be sitting fat somewhere in Yokohama. I couldn't even fathom "long game" when I was 23.
Then I look online by happenstance, and see my 8 year-old blog with 2000 views a year, and I got a smile. Not a laugh, a smile :)
I hope to curb my anxiety long enough to revitalize this blog. I haven't read through all the posts, but I am positive I've made some discoveries since my last post 4 years ago.
I find it simply hilarious that one of the best-performing posts on here is "I'm So Anxious, I Can't Get Anything Done". Self-fulfilling prophecy at it's finest!
But all is not lost, that post garnered some views, and 2 comments! Thank you.
As I ponder my past musings, and reflect on events in my life, I think it is safe to say that a long-game strategy is probably one of the best attitudes to keep. That is completely the opposite of the messages that we receive every day in society. It also follows the "abundance" mentality - that if you cannot have something, you shouldn't fret, because there is always more of that thing in your surroundings.
I built these few blog posts, and then I was whisked away by life, and I utterly forgot about it. It remained, however, and whatever backlinks I sent to the site stayed intact, and here we are.
I was anxious at the time. I'm still anxious today. I went through a short period where my anxiety was not as controlling, but when I face a personal crisis or hard times, it rushes back in to "give me a helping hand".
I am not unemployed; I am currently a waiter. It sounds trite, but I actually like doing it, because it allows me to speak Japanese most days. The pay can be rather nice at times, after busting my ass all night. Plus, Japanese etiquette says I can drink with my customers on the job ;)
But sometimes I get anxious because I want more.
I was an electronics technician in the Navy. I was a liaison for US heads of companies at a large distribution company in Tokyo, and a kick-ass stand-up forklift operator.
But I have my own strange views about money. I've never liked it.
"Well, there's your problem," I just heard you say.
I will now retract my statement, and put it a different way: "I don't believe that money is the only way to indicate a person's worth". I also don't like working for someone whose policies I do not agree with.
I do like the freedom and resources that money provide in current year. In older times, that freedom and resourcefulness would have been gained by guts and smarts. If you wish to have resources and freedom, then you must play the game of the dishers-out of the green.
I sometimes regret leaving the creativity stifling 14-hour a day 6-day workweeks at the distribution center for a high-paced bartending job at a busy Tokyo nightclub, and all the problems that came with that. Nothing could top that experience, but now sitting in my apartment with 2 roommates and a meh existence can cause the ol' anxiety to flare up. These 2 youngsters are constantly going out, meeting new people, online gaming and always laughing. I miss all of that. I could do all of that - and sometimes do - but I'm a little more careful with muh money these days.
Of course, I could have played the long game back then, too, and I would probably be sitting fat somewhere in Yokohama. I couldn't even fathom "long game" when I was 23.
Then I look online by happenstance, and see my 8 year-old blog with 2000 views a year, and I got a smile. Not a laugh, a smile :)
I hope to curb my anxiety long enough to revitalize this blog. I haven't read through all the posts, but I am positive I've made some discoveries since my last post 4 years ago.
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