I used to be an abusive man.
There. I said it.
I was manipulative, hurtful, condescending, and occasionally physical. I look around and I see a lot of other abusive men in the world, and I can always guess what's going through their heads and why they act the way they do. And guess what? It all boils down to self-esteem and insecurity issues! (Who would have thought?)
OK, I know that usually in this blog I drop a little knowledge about how having a low esteem of yourself can damage your life by keeping you away from the things you desire, and actually, now that I think about it, this post has a lot to do with that. I guess the real difference in this post is that I'm speaking more from a man-woman relationship stance, rather than the individual point of view. Although, you can also apply this to friendships, family relationships, etc. I don't want this blog to become a relationship blog thingy, but I think that this stuff really should be addressed. It's really another example of how the way you feel about yourself can affect the way that you interact with others, and what you'll generally get out of life. That said, here we go with the abusive men b/s.
First off, let me say that I'm tired of all the media hype and blustering and blubbering about "abusive men". Yes, it sucks, and it can be perceived as wrong. I'm not talking about any of that. I'm talking about how a man is always supposed to "do the right thing", when in all actuality, some men don't know what it is they're supposed to be doing. I think it's another example of Americans trying to treat the solution instead of the problem. Sure, there are classes out there for anger-management and whatnot, but even those classes are degrading and only show a man one avenue, which is to just quit doing it, no matter what your needs are. Anyway, we can argue about that later, even though I'm sure that one fired up a few folks.
Back on topic:
A lot of men can be abusive without knowing it. They have a solid sense of "how things should be", and let their victims know by subtly manipulating, or by sending them on a guilt trip. Some men will point out flaws in their partners by telling them straight-up.
Right out of the gate, I see the fallacy. "How things should be" - key word there being "should". This is a classic fallacy of the human mind. As we are brought up through life, we think that there are a number of externals that we have to control. We have to have respect from other people, we have to have everything our way, and if we don't (I'm talking about everyone here, don't doze off, ladies), we get depressed, anxious, upset, and start to feel like we're doing something wrong. Because of the fact that usually men and women are brought up differently, this can manifest itself in a few different ways, and I'm gonna be super vague: Women often feel that they must marry, have kids, and live in a house (as per what Mom and Big Momma told them). When this becomes overly expected and it proves unfruitful, they get depressed, sleep around, etc, etc, insert-woman-problem here. Men are taught that they must be dominant, take no ish from anyone, have a beautiful, obedient wife with which to create beautiful children (as per what Pops and the homies told them). When this is overly expected and doesn't come out in the wash, they get angry. Lots of built-up, simmering rage.
Instead of accepting everything as-is and dealing with stupid little problems as they come along, men tend to find a girl (that has flaws just like anyone else!), and take out their issues on her. My problem in particular, is that since I really wasn't a guy sought after by many women (because of my low self-confidence), I found one that I REALLY, REALLY liked, and tried to change her little flaws into something I found acceptable. You can see how this is just irrational. Nobody wants to be changed by anyone. Matter of fact, you CAN'T change anyone. You can only make them more sly - if they stick around.
Here's the embarrassing part (if the above wasn't embarrassing enough). What was I getting mad about? I remember myself saying things like: "You were looking at that guy, weren't you?", or "You said you were going to be back in 15 minutes!", or the best one: "Where did you get this money?!". You can exchange these questions and statements easily to: "Why isn't dinner ready?", "Don't you worry about what's in the bank!", or "You're not going anywhere looking like that."
Because I lacked confidence in myself, I couldn't see that she was with me for a reason (and it damn sure wasn't money). I thought I wasn't good enough to hold her attention. This really pissed me off.
Sure, everyone gets a little anxious at times. Everyone has a low moment a time or two in their life. What pushes it to physical abuse? The short answer is drugs. The longer explanation is that since people with low esteem tend to abuse alcohol (and anything else), their emotions are heightened, etc. - you know all the things alcohol can do to you. Conversely, someone who beats their girlfriend/wife completely sober for over a week is a pretty cold M/F'er, and that's a pretty low self-esteem.
Well, I think I've rambled enough and made enough people mad. But oh well. I've been there, and I can honestly say that it wasn't fun. I can also honestly say that I had no idea why I did what I did, and I had no idea how I could cure it. Alcohol awareness, Alcoholics Anonymous, church, parents or anything else couldn't have shown me what I had to find out on my own - and that's to keep building confidence in myself through therapy to decrease my anxiety and depression.
There. I said it.
I was manipulative, hurtful, condescending, and occasionally physical. I look around and I see a lot of other abusive men in the world, and I can always guess what's going through their heads and why they act the way they do. And guess what? It all boils down to self-esteem and insecurity issues! (Who would have thought?)
OK, I know that usually in this blog I drop a little knowledge about how having a low esteem of yourself can damage your life by keeping you away from the things you desire, and actually, now that I think about it, this post has a lot to do with that. I guess the real difference in this post is that I'm speaking more from a man-woman relationship stance, rather than the individual point of view. Although, you can also apply this to friendships, family relationships, etc. I don't want this blog to become a relationship blog thingy, but I think that this stuff really should be addressed. It's really another example of how the way you feel about yourself can affect the way that you interact with others, and what you'll generally get out of life. That said, here we go with the abusive men b/s.
First off, let me say that I'm tired of all the media hype and blustering and blubbering about "abusive men". Yes, it sucks, and it can be perceived as wrong. I'm not talking about any of that. I'm talking about how a man is always supposed to "do the right thing", when in all actuality, some men don't know what it is they're supposed to be doing. I think it's another example of Americans trying to treat the solution instead of the problem. Sure, there are classes out there for anger-management and whatnot, but even those classes are degrading and only show a man one avenue, which is to just quit doing it, no matter what your needs are. Anyway, we can argue about that later, even though I'm sure that one fired up a few folks.
Back on topic:
A lot of men can be abusive without knowing it. They have a solid sense of "how things should be", and let their victims know by subtly manipulating, or by sending them on a guilt trip. Some men will point out flaws in their partners by telling them straight-up.
Right out of the gate, I see the fallacy. "How things should be" - key word there being "should". This is a classic fallacy of the human mind. As we are brought up through life, we think that there are a number of externals that we have to control. We have to have respect from other people, we have to have everything our way, and if we don't (I'm talking about everyone here, don't doze off, ladies), we get depressed, anxious, upset, and start to feel like we're doing something wrong. Because of the fact that usually men and women are brought up differently, this can manifest itself in a few different ways, and I'm gonna be super vague: Women often feel that they must marry, have kids, and live in a house (as per what Mom and Big Momma told them). When this becomes overly expected and it proves unfruitful, they get depressed, sleep around, etc, etc, insert-woman-problem here. Men are taught that they must be dominant, take no ish from anyone, have a beautiful, obedient wife with which to create beautiful children (as per what Pops and the homies told them). When this is overly expected and doesn't come out in the wash, they get angry. Lots of built-up, simmering rage.
Instead of accepting everything as-is and dealing with stupid little problems as they come along, men tend to find a girl (that has flaws just like anyone else!), and take out their issues on her. My problem in particular, is that since I really wasn't a guy sought after by many women (because of my low self-confidence), I found one that I REALLY, REALLY liked, and tried to change her little flaws into something I found acceptable. You can see how this is just irrational. Nobody wants to be changed by anyone. Matter of fact, you CAN'T change anyone. You can only make them more sly - if they stick around.
Here's the embarrassing part (if the above wasn't embarrassing enough). What was I getting mad about? I remember myself saying things like: "You were looking at that guy, weren't you?", or "You said you were going to be back in 15 minutes!", or the best one: "Where did you get this money?!". You can exchange these questions and statements easily to: "Why isn't dinner ready?", "Don't you worry about what's in the bank!", or "You're not going anywhere looking like that."
Because I lacked confidence in myself, I couldn't see that she was with me for a reason (and it damn sure wasn't money). I thought I wasn't good enough to hold her attention. This really pissed me off.
Sure, everyone gets a little anxious at times. Everyone has a low moment a time or two in their life. What pushes it to physical abuse? The short answer is drugs. The longer explanation is that since people with low esteem tend to abuse alcohol (and anything else), their emotions are heightened, etc. - you know all the things alcohol can do to you. Conversely, someone who beats their girlfriend/wife completely sober for over a week is a pretty cold M/F'er, and that's a pretty low self-esteem.
Well, I think I've rambled enough and made enough people mad. But oh well. I've been there, and I can honestly say that it wasn't fun. I can also honestly say that I had no idea why I did what I did, and I had no idea how I could cure it. Alcohol awareness, Alcoholics Anonymous, church, parents or anything else couldn't have shown me what I had to find out on my own - and that's to keep building confidence in myself through therapy to decrease my anxiety and depression.
