Perception is Reality! - Confidence Tips

There's a crazy thing that happens whenever you speak outloud to a group of people, or when you're dressed nice and walking around like you own the place, or when you smile at someone from your jalopy. And yes, this thing also happens when you have shit tons of money, and people know about said tons.

This thing that happens is conveyance of confidence! That rolls off the tongue like week-old sushi, don't it?

So here's the deal: if no one can see or hear that you're confident, then no one will know that you're confident.

This is commonly known as:

Perception is Reality

See, when people are all braggadocious and flashy and driving bad ass cars, they are showing the world, "Hey, look at me! I am confident! I had the big balls to go out and grab this up! I am a catch! You can have this, too!"

Don't buy it? Look at the expression on the guy next to you in the Porsche. Or watch the frat boy call across Chili's to a buddy of his. Or, at the shady gas station, observe the guy in saggin' pants and fake earrings approach a random car and sell a homemade CD.

In contrast, look how the shaky girl reads Harry Potter novels and never talks to anyone at her school. Try to find an inkling of the long-lost spark in the wino's eye (crackheads are different - don't look em in the eye, they have retard strength). Also, watch, as the kid with the slumped shoulders doesn't get a second glance from the 25-year old girls on their lunch break at the mall.

The point here is that what you exude, is true. OK, I made that up off the top of the head, but it means that people believe what they see and hear, and don't have the time to stop and wonder about how you hide your millions inside a dusty trenchcoat. They are too busy trying to get the latest such-and-such, and they have no patience when they have to guess.

Give Them What They Want

People are always looking for something. They have goals, aspirations. You are what stands between them, and what they want. So, why not give it to them? I don't mean punch them in the nose. I mean, be what they are looking for.

You could be the big flashy thing that makes their crew shine brighter. You could be the money-maker that everyone wants to learn from. You could be the lean, mean, sex devil that everyone envies and wants to be like. Mostly, people want to be great people. You can show them how to do that, can't you?

But How Am I Great?

Clarance, I'm just an ordinary person, you say to me! Well, so is everyone else, I answer you! The difference between you and Febrizio is that he has been trained to know what to build, and you were taught that life will run its course, and God has a plan for you.

Yes, once again, it's the ol' "Do Something" yarn. BE GREAT. Pick something you like. DO IT. BE GOOD AT IT. Your day shouldn't consist of "going to work and then going home and watching a whole season of True Blood". Figure out how to get some money. Throw some parties. Cook some food. Play some basketball. But don't give up! Suck at first, who cares!? Get better, and over time, you will be great. You think people just come out of the womb crossin' over fools? It takes practice. While you are probably not children that are reading my blog, you will have to start remembering what it is like to be a child. Say stupid shit. Do stupid shit. But love saying and doing them. As a child, you don't really worry about getting laughed at (unless you're bound by Eternal Christian Shame, as I am), so you just get up and do it again. You must be that person.

How to be Confident When You're On a Budget

Being a Broke-Ass Wiseguy

As I mentioned in a previous post, a lot of things that help you become confident are related to money. The costs that are incurred when presenting yourself in a capitalistic society can be quite high. One might think that in order to be confident, they must have money. Money to go out, money to buy gifts, money to stay fit and look great.

In reality, it's the other way around; Money comes to the confident man. But for you, my confidence-deficient brethren, the journey is different. You must change your path, and travel that road that conflicts with your affliction. There are a few ways to do this.

Drop Yourself Directly Behind Enemy Lines

If you are lacking self-confidence and don't have any money, you will need to alleviate at least one of these problems. Having confidence without money is fine. Having money without confidence is....OK, but the underlying problem is still gnawing at the postman's ass.

You can kill that persistent beast, like many before you, by going straight into its den and fighting it every day, licking your wounds afterward, until your skin is so tough and leathery that its bites cannot penetrate it, allowing you to drop the lethal blow to its skull with your auto mechanics' rubber mallet.

This means going out there, getting into the mix, talking out loud about whatever you want, shrugging off people's cute little Harvard remarks about your outfits, and eventually garnering the respect of your peers. Of course, the rules still apply. You can't just start hangin' out with a bunch of fine-ass rich girls looking like a bum and smelling like an unwashed bum. The rules of confidence: keep your ass and neck clean, have hobbies and aspirations, etc.

Before you know it, you'll be talking like them, making jokes they laugh at, and you'll feel like you accomplished something. Why? Because you did! You came in there bedraggled and downtrodden, and rose to a level of comfortability that you never knew before. Now you too can talk down at society's failures!

 

Inherit Some Money or Start a Bad-Ass Business

If someone in your family drops a shit ton of cash on you, you're in luck! This will allow you to buy your success, and you'll be able to drink it all away in shame, because you still lack those interpersonal skills so badly needed for human interaction. Look at it this way, though - now you can at least afford some therapy!

If it's a business you've inherited, and you're constantly knocking down all your profits by drinking and throwing lavish parties to keep your social revenue up - try to get a competent manager in there so they can keep your head out of water as you spiral downward into addiction. You can still invest in some therapy.

If you're running the business and want to be successful, you're still going to be Behind Enemy Lines, like above. You will have to convey that confidence, especially if you are selling something. Ass and neck clean, you will be fighting the Beast.

 

A Mixture of the Two

If you would like to appear like you are doing OK, but want to subtly ease your way into the mix, then here is the step for you - and the whole point of this post! This is confidence on a budget, and here are a few ways you can cut costs to get the most out of your buck.


- Quit going out to eat. If you live in an apartment, you (hopefully) have a refrigeration unit and a freezer. These can be used for (gasp!) storing food, and that costs WAY less than going to Taco John's Shiskebab every day after work. The only exception to this is eating from the dollar menu, and only getting a couple of items. You can cook your own food for less than half the cost of having it prepared. This is also cool, because you can cook FOR OTHER PEOPLE. That's always cool. One downside is that it takes time, but you weren't really doing anything anyway, were you? If you're really struggling, you can eat ramen noodles all the time, and you'll still have money left to buy the extra toilet paper that you're gonna need.

- If you're REALLY broke (or if it looks like you're really broke to the government), you can get food stamps. All it takes is a day in a dingy downtown office and a follow-up, maybe two. These things are gold, because you can use them to have some pretty big barbecues. Also, you can sell em! Give your buddy 100 bucks worth of food and ask him for 50 dollars. Score! (Don't do that, it's illegal.)

- Get a roommate, or get a smaller place. You can effectively cut your rent cost in half with a roommate. A lot of times, the problem is finding someone who will actually carry their own weight. A secondary problem is finding someone who doesn't get drunk every night and piss on the couch. You can also look into getting a music rehearsal room. They are cheap, and you're not really supposed to "live" in them, but if you have a computer and do, say, graphic design, you can put all your shit in there, and go sleep at your girl's house.

- Avoid Contracts. These will kill you in an uncertain economy. Stay away from subscription services that hook your ass up when you least expect it during the month. There's nothing worse than going out with a girl from a concert and wanting to get breakfast for her, only to find out that your Asian Cum Guzzler subscription hit, and you're 20 bucks in the hole (no pun intended). Try and have few bills as possible: rent, internet, phone. Consolidate anything you can.

- Cheap Clothes, Great Price. There are a lot of stores that have discounted brand-name clothes. In my area, it's Ross. You can get some good shit from there that would otherwise cost you a small fortune. And no one will ever notice the manufacturing defects.

- Other Cheap Shit that's cool. There are drink specials, matinee movies, museum coupons... keep your eyes peeled for stuff like that, because you'll need 'em when you finally go out with a girl.

- If you gotta smoke, roll on! Smoking is a pain in the ass. It's expensive and messes up those things you use to breathe. But all the black-lung pictures in the world can't hold a flame to the way that smoking alleviates anxiety (until you get addicted - then it causes it). If you gotta smoke, try rolling your own. It's a hell of a lot cheaper. Get a roller for a few bucks, a carton of tubes for a few bucks, and a pound of tobacco for about 40. That should roll almost 3 cartons, and that's a lot cheaper than $6 or $8 or $10 a day. Very tedious, though. And don't let anyone see you doing it, cuz you might get called out for being a cheap-ass!

- Drinking. Well, a little drink never hurt anyone.


I know this all sounds sarcastic, but in all seriousness, these techniques are meant to spark your imagination. Anything you can do to cut your cost when you're on a budget means more money in your pocket. The rapper Fat Joe used to sleep in abandoned apartments, and he never told his girlfriend about it. She thought he was out doing his thing, and going home to a comfortable bed, or his mom's house, or whatever. The point is, perception is reality!

UPDATE: So, this is an older post, and I can see by reading it, I am still thinking along the lines of external validation, i.e. using money and status to feel better about the self. I believe it is true that if you have money, you will feel confident, because it allows freedom and resources to give others, creating status. It is much more practical to build self-esteem through internal validation, though, and that is a concept I will be exploring further from now on.

I'm So Anxious I Don't Get Anything Done

I often find myself not getting anything done because of overbearing anxiety. I have millions of ideas, but I never seem to get anything accomplished, because I start to second-guess the possible results. I start to wonder what the results will be before I even start, and, more often than not, the results that I come up with are negative.

Your mind is like a probabilities-processing computer

Or at least mine is. I will have a "brilliant" idea, then start thinking about what I need to do to get it done. For an example, I'll use this blog. I used to look for ways to make money online and otherwise, and I came upon the school of using the search engines to drive traffic to a website by targeting keywords and getting backlinks. This intrigued me, of course, because I thought that I could make money, not have to go outside and meet anyone, and I would have nobody telling me what to do. What a blessing for someone with social anxiety!

- I started assessing the situation:
First thing I needed to do was find keywords, so I looked around and found some, and also found possible sponsors that could pay me once my website started getting traffic. Didn't contact anyone, of course, I just looked and noted ones that I might contact in the future. After that, I made the blog, targeted a few keywords, and wrote an entry or two. I started realizing that it wouldn't happen overnight - that I was going to have to stick with this thing for a long time! That discouraged me, and I eventually stopped posting. I would think, "Wow, I really picked some highly competitive keywords, and I'll never be able to get any traffic for this stuff." My anxiety started getting the best of me.

The Confident Person Just Does It

What I should have been doing in the first place, was just DOING it! It doesn't matter if it sucks, or if the traffic doesn't roll in for a year. The point is, if I had have started writing on a daily basis, I would have a formidable blog by now, and one that would be a great place to backlink from. This idea of creating for the sake of creating eludes a lot of people with social anxiety, and keeps us from getting anything done.

Keeping your mind from thinking about the future will keep you closer to where you're supposed to be and what you should be doing - doing something! The more you sit and ruminate all the possibilities for failure, the less likely you will be to get out there and make something happen. Now, I still have serious anxiety issues, but for the past year, I've been trying to change my ridiculous thinking habits in order to be a little more productive. Here's what I do:

1) If I have an idea, I start working on it very quickly. Today, I started having some anxious feelings about not getting anything done, and then I thought, "Wait, I have a blog for that. I'll just make a post." And now I'm here.

2) I stop thinking about hyperbolic results. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is going to read my blog and just start laughing. This is what anxiety is all about. It is an exaggerated fear of something that probably won't happen. And even everyone in the world read the thing, not everyone would laugh. Some people may get some help!

3) I flip the negative to positive. If someone read it and thought I was stupid for writing this, I would view it as a reason to step my game up. I know that no one's perfect, and you can't please everyone. But, if enough people say you suck, maybe you should look into it. This is where the "that which does not kill me will make me stronger" saying comes from.

Less anxiety = more confidence!

Building Confidence - Abuse

I used to be an abusive man.

There. I said it.

I was manipulative, hurtful, condescending, and occasionally physical. I look around and I see a lot of other abusive men in the world, and I can always guess what's going through their heads and why they act the way they do. And guess what? It all boils down to self-esteem and insecurity issues! (Who would have thought?)

OK, I know that usually in this blog I drop a little knowledge about how having a low esteem of yourself can damage your life by keeping you away from the things you desire, and actually, now that I think about it, this post has a lot to do with that. I guess the real difference in this post is that I'm speaking more from a man-woman relationship stance, rather than the individual point of view. Although, you can also apply this to friendships, family relationships, etc. I don't want this blog to become a relationship blog thingy, but I think that this stuff really should be addressed. It's really another example of how the way you feel about yourself can affect the way that you interact with others, and what you'll generally get out of life. That said, here we go with the abusive men b/s.

First off, let me say that I'm tired of all the media hype and blustering and blubbering about "abusive men". Yes, it sucks, and it can be perceived as wrong. I'm not talking about any of that. I'm talking about how a man is always supposed to "do the right thing", when in all actuality, some men don't know what it is they're supposed to be doing. I think it's another example of Americans trying to treat the solution instead of the problem. Sure, there are classes out there for anger-management and whatnot, but even those classes are degrading and only show a man one avenue, which is to just quit doing it, no matter what your needs are. Anyway, we can argue about that later, even though I'm sure that one fired up a few folks.

Back on topic:

A lot of men can be abusive without knowing it. They have a solid sense of "how things should be", and let their victims know by subtly manipulating, or by sending them on a guilt trip. Some men will point out flaws in their partners by telling them straight-up.

Right out of the gate, I see the fallacy. "How things should be" - key word there being "should". This is a classic fallacy of the human mind. As we are brought up through life, we think that there are a number of externals that we have to control. We have to have respect from other people, we have to have everything our way, and if we don't (I'm talking about everyone here, don't doze off, ladies), we get depressed, anxious, upset, and start to feel like we're doing something wrong. Because of the fact that usually men and women are brought up differently, this can manifest itself in a few different ways, and I'm gonna be super vague: Women often feel that they must marry, have kids, and live in a house (as per what Mom and Big Momma told them). When this becomes overly expected and it proves unfruitful, they get depressed, sleep around, etc, etc, insert-woman-problem here. Men are taught that they must be dominant, take no ish from anyone, have a beautiful, obedient wife with which to create beautiful children (as per what Pops and the homies told them). When this is overly expected and doesn't come out in the wash, they get angry. Lots of built-up, simmering rage.

Instead of accepting everything as-is and dealing with stupid little problems as they come along, men tend to find a girl (that has flaws just like anyone else!), and take out their issues on her. My problem in particular, is that since I really wasn't a guy sought after by many women (because of my low self-confidence), I found one that I REALLY, REALLY liked, and tried to change her little flaws into something I found acceptable. You can see how this is just irrational. Nobody wants to be changed by anyone. Matter of fact, you CAN'T change anyone. You can only make them more sly - if they stick around.

Here's the embarrassing part (if the above wasn't embarrassing enough). What was I getting mad about? I remember myself saying things like: "You were looking at that guy, weren't you?", or "You said you were going to be back in 15 minutes!", or the best one: "Where did you get this money?!". You can exchange these questions and statements easily to: "Why isn't dinner ready?", "Don't you worry about what's in the bank!", or "You're not going anywhere looking like that."

Because I lacked confidence in myself, I couldn't see that she was with me for a reason (and it damn sure wasn't money). I thought I wasn't good enough to hold her attention. This really pissed me off.

Sure, everyone gets a little anxious at times. Everyone has a low moment a time or two in their life. What pushes it to physical abuse? The short answer is drugs. The longer explanation is that since people with low esteem tend to abuse alcohol (and anything else), their emotions are heightened, etc. - you know all the things alcohol can do to you. Conversely, someone who beats their girlfriend/wife completely sober for over a week is a pretty cold M/F'er, and that's a pretty low self-esteem.

Well, I think I've rambled enough and made enough people mad. But oh well. I've been there, and I can honestly say that it wasn't fun. I can also honestly say that I had no idea why I did what I did, and I had no idea how I could cure it. Alcohol awareness, Alcoholics Anonymous, church, parents or anything else couldn't have shown me what I had to find out on my own - and that's to keep building confidence in myself through therapy to decrease my anxiety and depression.

How To Build More Confidence

Ok, so we know how a lack of confidence can affect us. It can make us hesitant, resulting in missed opportunities and possibly isolation that could lead to depression and anxiety. But how to we build more confidence?

The answer to this is not easy. There are many lists on the internet giving tips on how to increase self confidence. There are probably a lot more lists out there on how to feel confident talking to girls or guys. Most of them say pretty much the same thing:


1. Dress Nice
Clothes don't make you, but they do affect and reflect the way you feel about yourself. If you dress sloppy, people assume that you don't care and won't play by the rules. Do not be fooled by the "beauty is on the inside" adage. If you look like a soup sandwich, people will naturally react negatively toward you. This, in turn can have you feeling that you were right all along: No one likes you. That can send you into a nasty spiral.
Be sure to bathe and shave everyday, and try to stay in line with the latest trends at least a little. I hear all you non-conformists out there groaning, but you want more self-confidence, right?
This doesn’t mean you need to spend a lot on clothes. Just try to get yourself a few things that are nice when you have the chance. You will see later that when your confidence goes up, so does your overall success, and you will continue to grow and grow.

2. Change Your Walk
People can tell that you are tired and beat down by life if you walk around dragging ass with your head down. Show the world that you have a purpose (even if you don't!). You have people to see, things to do! Walking with your head up and maybe a little quicker will make you look and feel more important.

3. Good Posture
Similarly, the ol' posture does much of the same thing. People with slumped shoulders and lazy, pained movements display a lack of self confidence. They aren’t enthusiastic about what they’re doing and they don’t consider themselves important. You'll automatically feel more confident with good posture. Stand up straight, keep your head up, and make eye contact (this is another issue).

4. Self-Talk
Everyone talks to themselves whether they are conscious of it or not. We use this self-talk to encourage ourselves in many situations. You may not have the automatic positive self-talk that confident people use habitually, so you might have to make a more conscious effort to let yourself know that you have many great qualities. This can be hard to do, especially if you are a sufferer of social anxiety. Talking to yourself out loud, of course, is better, but for starters even looping something positive in your mind is great.

5. Be Thankful
Sometimes we are stuck in a loop of negative self-talk. You want to achieve a goal, but your mind keeps telling you that your aren't good enough. You would be surprised to know how much you actually have going for you. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. This is a lot like positive self-talk, and it can motivate you.

6. Compliment Others
Complimenting people makes them feel good. When you make others feel good, they in turn see you in an extremely positive light. This will elevate your confidence, and you will feel a lot better about yourself when you have the adoring eye of other humans. This feeling of kinship with other people is a very large part of our species, and without it life seems bleak and hopeless. By looking for the best in others, you indirectly bring out the best in yourself.

7. Sit In Front (Get Out There!)
I'm pretty sure you like to sit in the back of the room in class or at meetings. You don't want to be looked at, called on, or talked to. This is a fairly obvious indication of a low self-confidence. If you sit up front (or next to that cute girl/guy), you can get over this irrational fear and build your self confidence. You’ll also be more visible to the important people talking from the front of the room.

8. Speak Up
A lot of people never speak up because they’re worried that people will judge them for saying something stupid. As a matter of fact most people are dealing with the exact same problems and fears, so speak up, because what you're saying is not retarded. By not speaking up, you lose that human interaction, and you lose the recognition by other people that marks your place in the world and gives you a sense of purpose.

9. Work Out
Back to personal appearance, physical fitness is a HUGE factor in self-confidence. This sucks, but it's just the way it is. If you’re out of shape, you’ll feel unattractive and less energetic. By working out, you improve your physcial appearance, energize yourself, and accomplish something positive. Having the discipline to work out not only makes you feel better, it creates positive momentum that you can build on the rest of the day.


This is pretty much the gist of the build more confidence checklist. By staying in shape, dressing a little nicer (hopefully a little nicer every time you can), grooming yourself, carrying yourself with pride, and speaking up, you will be seen by your peers as a confident individual. You will be liked, sought, and your presence will be enjoyed.

So what if you feel like you can't do these things? My suggestion is to try and figure out what is eating you. Social Anxiety is what I mentioned before, but many kinds of anxiety have crippling effects, namely, procrastination and depression. Try and figure out why it is you're so afraid even to try these techniques, and try to utilize some positive self-talk to neutralize those fears. In any event, professional help should be sought.

Build More Confidence - A Word About Social Anxiety

If you're like me, then you have low self-confidence due to social anxiety. This is a paralyzing disorder that can lead to depression and procrastination. Since almost everything we do is based on society, this can mean that you really don't feel like doing anything at all, and that makes it hard to have confidence or build more confidence. After all, how can you be confident around people when you're scared of what you'll say or if you might embarrass yourself?


I never realized it fully until recently, but I struggled (and still struggle) with social anxiety for many, many years. It would manifest itself in all kinds of ways, and I would even fear doing things around my house, when no one is around. That's just crazy.

My social ineptitude was magnified when I would try to talk to someone or try something new, and fail miserably. This only reinforced my already shitty self-image, and sunk me deeper into depression and isolation around strangers, especially. I've always had a close group of friends - I always seem to seek out people who display similar traits, and I feel "safe" around them. I always felt/feel more confident around them, but around strangers I was like a deer in headlights.

This sent me spiraling into alcohol abuse and depression. Since I was severely inhibited while I was sober, I decided that I liked alcohol because it took away all of those feelings of not knowing what to say or how to act around strangers. Truly, I was a lot of things on alcohol - charming, hilarious, uninhibited, assertive and dangerous - all things that I thought were great qualities, but none of which I could achieve sober because of my "shyness".

This is common in sufferers of social anxiety, and in my case it got me in a whole hell of a lot of trouble. Once my drinking went over-the-top, so did my antics, and I really didn't care one way or the other what people thought (finally!).

Building self-confidence isn't something that alcohol can do for you. Once the potion wears off, you're right back where you started, and you're probably a little more depressed that it took a beatdown on your liver and wallet to get you the guts to go and talk to that semi-pretty female playing card games on the crackbox at your local bar.

But battling social anxiety is a true bitch. The only proven method of permanent change is through Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, in which the false beliefs you have about yourself (I'm ugly, no one likes me, I could never do that, I can't talk in public, etc.) must be shown to you and systematically and slowly changed. Immersing yourself in your fears only shows you your failures and reinforces your false belief system. To make matters worse, most therapists don't really like to cite the cause "social anxiety" in their diagnoses. My guess on that is because they would rather pawn off medication on the general public to keep everyone paid, except for the suffering victim. I could go on and on about that in another blog, but this blog is about building self-confidence!

So, before you try and go out to your doctor to get yourself some Paxil or whatever, think about what you're really afraid of. If you start to ask yourself some questions, you may figure out that you're really afraid of nothing (you might already know that), and that's the first step in looking for a real way to get better, and become more confident.