Depression is a Side-Effect of Anxiety

Depression is a Side-Effect of Anxiety

This is a theory that I've been working out for some time now. Someone's probably thought of it before, but I believe that depression isn't always a stand-alone deal. I think that it usually starts with anxiety. I suppose there are the cases where there is a true chemical imbalance in the brain that causes chronic depression, but I think that most cases (and most other things - obsessive-compulsive disorder, perfectionism, procrastination, bi-polar disorder, etc.) are the direct result of an anxiety that affects how we view our surroundings and keeps us in a box governed by irrational rules.

I base it largely on my own experiences, and as I try and flesh out the theory, I watch other peoples' reactions to their situations, ask questions, and apply them accordingly. Sometimes it takes a little working around, but I have found that most of their problems are similar to my own.

Growing Up Depressed

When I was growing up, I was a very quiet student/artist. I didn't spend time outside at the basketball courts and football fields. To be honest, I was terrified of them. I don't know why, but I didn't like meeting the new people and dealing with any sort of confrontation. This is mostly from about 10 years old and on, if I remember correctly. I remember playing soccer when I was between 7 and 10, but that ended, and I never went back. I played football when I was 15, and I received a serious injury to my knee that didn't allow me to participate for a while. Instead of going back once I was better, I quit, and stuck to skateboarding - a sport that I loved, because it had "no rules" and you didn't have to "depend on anyone else" to have fun. There was no goal, really.

I remember coming home when I was about 15 or so, and feeling overwhelmed about the events of school many times. I would wonder why I couldn't get a girlfriend, or why someone would make fun of me, or why I didn't anything back (you always think of the good shit to say back to someone after the fact). I heard about depression, and I thought, "that's me!" But it wasn't true. I had anxiety, and that was leaving me frozen solid during interactions with my classmates.

It's Easy to Point the Finger at Depression, Hard to Pinpoint Anxiety

It's easy to think, "I'm depressed, nobody likes me. I can't do anything right. I'm ugly, fat, and don't have the nice clothes that everyone else does." Some of this might be true, but for the most part, it's the perception that it's true that can leave you feeling down. This is the anxiety. This is what you somehow incorporated into your thinking. Just because every single person doesn't like you doesn't mean that you are no good. In my case, I didn't care if the "lower class" liked me - I wanted to be liked by the upper echelons of the student body. I wanted the nice car, the best looking girls in the school, and have the most friends. I have no idea how it happened, given my upbringing, but for whatever reason, I felt that I had to have all that.

And how was I going to have any of it without any money? My parents really coudn't afford to get me all the name-brand stuff, and that was fine. I understand now that it's a very big undertaking to get only the finest for your children. The point is, there was no way I could compete with that class of kids, because I was nowhere near their level of confidence. I couldn't move around like they did. (Something just popped into my head: A post about Anxiety and Religion! It has bearing on what I went throught, but not totally relevant to this post, so I'll do it later)

My standards were too high for what I was able to attain in reality. As I ponder this, I realize that what I mostly wanted were the girls in the upper crust, not the guys. There were a few guys that were alright, but most of them were dicks, and they're the ones that had the designer clothes, the fast cars, and the best-looking girls in the school. I didn't care about the nice clothes, the cars, or being an asshole - but all I could see was that the girls were on top of it. See, my confidence was low, so my anxiety was high, and the result was depression. Anxiety and depression usually move along in a snowball effect, too!

Why Couldn't I Have Just Boosted My Confidence?

Why couldn't I just have boosted my confidence somehow? I have no idea. I think it might have been a strict mom and a never-present dad, although it sucks that I have to lay the blame on them. With anxiety, it isn't your fault, but it's up to you to change it. That's the unfairness of it all. If you don't make a conscious effort to change, then you will get the exact same results as you always have. I knew no other way - I thought people were supposed to be cool, no matter what. What I found was they weren't: everyone has their own agenda, and I had no clue how to handle that, so I receded into a shell. That made me depressed, and all of my anxiety lay on the fact that I didn't know how to deal with people effectively. I always felt like a puppet. Pulled and manipulated to make the puppeteer happy, and make the audience laugh.

Anxiety and Alcohol

Here's a return to a familiar subject on this blog: Alcohol! I'm sort of happy that I never discovered the joy of alcohol while I was in high school - I probably wouldn't have finished, and I'm almost positive I would have seen a lot more jail time than I have already. I think that a person like me that has so much anxiety and rigid rule structure in my mind would have went off the proverbial chain back when I was younger. But, there's a part of me that wishes I did find it. Although I wouldn't have done as well in school, probably, I could have figured out some things that would help me in the future - talking to people, being more independent, fighting (more), maybe, I dunno.

Lucky me, I got to find alcohol a lot later in life, and a lot of you have read my "Anxiety and Alcohol" post. Again, alcoholism is a side-effect of anxiety, in my opinion (and my opinion is right!). If you're confident in yourself in any social situation, when you get drunk, things seem out of place.

I Still Get Depressed

It's tough to get over anxiety, and that's the main reason I still have spells of depression. My anxiety tells me that I'm going to be laughed at for my clothes, or my car, or something. It makes me want to stay inside, and that fosters that sickly-sweet feeling of depression. It's actually the reason that I write this blog! Writing here gives me a chance to get all of the shit off my shoulders and focus on something, instead of wondering what I'm going to do all day, and if I'm good enough to do it. This is my anti-anxiety medicine. This, making music, going to school, and writing rhymes. I hope to extend my anti-anxiety medicine to going to the gym soon. lol.

Being Confident Around Girls

Being Confident Around Girls

You may not know this, but girls are actually not so interested in how confident you are as a person, but how confident you are around other males. I guess I just contradicted myself. Yes, they are interested in how confident you are. Of course, if  you are confident around other males that you don't know, then you are most likely to talk to her from out of the blue. If you are shy around other males, or are afraid of getting ridiculed so you tend to keep quiet, then the ladies are going to smell that and run like hell.

How many times have you thought to yourself, "Man, why is she with that asshole? I hate that guy?" If you've asked yourself that, then he's probably a lot more confident than you are.

It's instinctual, actually. Women tend to find someone who is assertive and often brash. It's hardwired into their genetics. Even as they influence laws that prohibit this behavior, they still want it. Need it. The male who is confident in his abilities can do many things: talk to people (network/build teams), look for better work or be his own boss, and oppose those who are in his way. All of these traits are beneficial to women (and also other men).

So, how do you become more confident around girls?

Well, I have a list of What girls want that is very similar to the "how to be more confident" list.

1) State your opinion, unless it's a little too zany. Like my "God doesn't exist" speil. They don't like that too much. It makes them cry.

2) Contrastingly, accept her opinion, and don't go off the deep end trying to disprove her. Agree to disagree, if you gotta.

3) Stay healthy. This is important, especially as you get older, because after 15 years of eating junk food (Americans), your body cannot process it like it could when you were younger. We all know problems are compounded with 10+ years of alcohol abuse. If you simply have to have alcohol in order to talk to girls, you should seek pyschiatric evaluation - you might have an anxiety disorder. AA works, but I believe it ignores the underlying disorder. Also, if you're not healthy, combative situations will be difficult. What are you going to do after the Apocolypse, and there is no law and order? It's important to stay in shape. Or get a gun.

4) Stay clean. I'm not talking about dope, I'm talking about your clothes and face! Shave, get your haircut, buy new clothes every once and a while, and take a shower VERY often. Oh, and brush your teeth.

5) Have money. That way, you can do all the things I'm telling you here. New clothes, haircuts, comfortable place to live, good food, at least an OK car, dentist/doctor appointments, hobbies, taking people out (to eat, dummy) - these are all things ON TOP OF basic shelter, electricity, water, phone, basic clothing/hygiene, and a moving vehicle. There is a difference between "moving vehicle" and "OK car".

6) Be aggressive. This doesn't mean yelling at your frat buddy at the door to join you from the back booth at Chili's. It means not being scared to ask for directions, saying "hello" to the cashier at the store, or calling the insurance company for 2 hours trying to figure out why you were overcharged. The word "aggressive" sounds like a macho term, but it means so much more. Go out and get what you deserve or want.

7) Posture. This is a little cliche', but it's true. The more you look like you are beat down, downtrodden, and blue, the more the people around you are going to believe that. Keep your shoulders wide, your back straight, and your chin up (or at least level? Can we make that happen?). Face the world! Don't look away!

Hopefully, this will get you started (who am I kidding, this is what you'll be doing for the rest of your life).

I've said it before, but I'm no expert. I don't have half of the list up there, and that is why I'm not out dating beautiful women. I did have a lot of those things in the past, though, and when I did, I felt a lot better about myself. One of the mysteries about the whole situation is the money thing. Nowadays, money is the indicator of who you are as a person (America), with the high consumerism that we have. It will be hard to go to school, make many networking contacts, do speeches if needed, and sustain a high-paying position if you are not confident. However, everything is relevant to your area. If you live in an above-average suburb, then you must be ready to compete with the people in that area, their values and standards. If you live in a rough neighborhood or out in the country, the same things apply. Not every place in the world places such a high value on its currency to the point where no man can find a mate, or feels uncomfortable around the opposite sex.

Update
Here is my new updated How to be Confident Around Girls post. Enjoy!

Anxiety and Being Alone

Anxiety and Being Alone

Having anxiety can be a harsh thing to deal with. People with anxiety often find themselves alone and hopeless. It is a very difficult disorder to handle, because it is hard to change your way of thinking. Just the very thought of doing something therapeutical conjures many questions: "Am I going to have to meet some more people?", "Do I have to go every day?", "What am I going to wear?", among others pop into the affected's mind, and it spurs more anxiety along.

It is such an irrational disorder, that it makes someone affected by it look lazy and unmotivated. The truth is, the sufferer of any kind of anxiety disorder often has big dreams and plans for the future, but also has the irrational fears that block him/her from doing what they want to do, and what they are completely capable of doing. Looking for answers on the internet yields little result, as the market has been flooded with people without social anxiety that are really getting on the ball and pushing out blog entries, getting backlinks, and making money, bolstering their confidence even further. This is fine, but the information is rarely a source of help for the people who have true anxiety. Going to a therapist is worse, because sessions are so expensive, and someone who is socially anxious is probably already not working, or not acheiving greatest at their job.

When I was searching for answers, I came across a few websites that did a great job explaining what social anxiety was, how to combat it, and the misconceptions of other people about the disorder. I will post these and give the long and short of things at a later date.

Right now, I'm tackling the "Anxiety and Being Alone" issue. A lot of people who suffer from anxiety find themselves alone, and that is because they find it difficult to go out into the world, and even when they do, they find it difficult to spark up conversations, or even smile. I remember catching so much hell for a very small spot on my front tooth that I found it hard to smile, and if I told a joke to someone I didn't know well and they didn't laugh, I would immediately think they couldn't focus on the joke because they were focused on my tooth. This would cause me to feel uncomfortable, and think that it would just be best to keep my mouth shut, and never talk or smile. That would keep the discomfort away. As a result, I didn't meet a whole lot of people growing up, and everyone thought I was on drugs because I never talked.

The Fear is Irrational

Of course, this is ridiculous! Everyone has flaws, and mine was very minor. I didn't have a lot available to me, money-wise, but a little spot on a tooth that was almost the same color was barely noticeable. Even if it was noticeable, most people won't say anything, and if they did, I could have been ready to pop a quick quip right back. A friend of mine back in the day would give me hell for it, and I would fire right back at his flaws, many times leaving him speechless - I wasn't mean or anything, just witty. OK, maybe just a little mean.

The point is that everyone has flaws. You may not see them immediately, but they are there. And even if they don't have any externally, they THINK they have them! Most people that get all of the plastic surgery and touch-ups when they looked fine to begin with get them because they are insecure - they think that they will be a better person if they had something augmented. I don't get to meet many of these, but I'm almost positive that's an anxiety disorder.

Get Over Yourself

The hardest thing to do is get over yourself. If you are anxious, it will show. You can go out, be social, talk to people, and crack jokes, but if you have anxiety, you will give out physical cues that other people will pick up on. They won't know that you have anxiety, but they will think something is strange about you. They can see if you don't have a job, or never leave the house, and they will think you are lazy and unmotivated. So, the thing is, you can meet people all you want, but if the anxiety is there, they won't be as eager to give of themselves to you. I think this is close to where I am right now - I meet lots of people, but I'm still mired in social anxiety, and I know people can see it (especially females). I've been off my therapy for some time, and I'm thinking that it's about time to get back on it.

It's hard to get rid of the negative thoughts that we have about ourselves. We have been conditioned to have these thoughts since childhood. It comes in many forms, but the results are similar. We become afraid to do the things we need to do in order to function in society. Small things, too! If you've always wanted hair like the big actor such-and-such, and your hair would never go that way, suddenly you feel like your hair is no good AT ALL! You most likely have good hair, you just don't think it's good because you are comparing yourself to someone else, and that's a big no-no in treating anxiety. The funny thing is - that big actor or actress's hair most likely did not come easy. It probably cost a lot of money to change it from "regular" hair to what it is now.

If You Are Comfortable With Yourself, People Will Like You

I'm sure you've heard the expression "You can't love anyone until you love yourself". I think this is an early expression for social anxiety! I've also heard people say that it isn't true, but how is that possible? If you hate yourself, you aren't giving anyone a reason to like you. You will complain, be avoidant, procrastinate, and rationalize your way out of things because you have a fear. The opposite sex will most certainly not find this attractive. And your same sex cohorts will avoid being around YOU, because you're not contributing to the team - helping with work, networking, introducing people to new people, and entertaining. People in every society look for these traits in people, because they make them feel good. For a human, it's all about spreading around and building things.

If you have a very analytical mind, look around and try to see the traits in a "popular" guy or girl. What do they do that you don't? How do they talk to people? How do they dress?

Safe People

Although beleaguered with anxiety, most people can find their way into at least a couple of relationships, though they might not be healthy ones. As a youngster, it seems so much easier to run up and down the block and meeting people. As you get older, you are choosy about who you run with, and having anxiety makes the choosing a lot more difficult. You have a specific criteria about who you will and will not associate with. You need them to be sensitive to your needs - never scrutinizing you, doesn't have a huge circle of friends, etc. I call these "safe people". These are the people you can go to the mall with and not be on-edge all the time because they are similar to you: they aren't going to be walking up to random strangers and starting conversations; that would probably give you a heart attack! I know it would have me, back in the day. Nowadays, I would have a slight panic attack, and fidget the entire time. But I'm getting better :)

So, How Do I Quit Being Alone?

You must learn more about anxiety and how to combat it. I will have to post some resources later, because I don't have them available at this time, but I can give you a quick lesson that has helped me lots of times:

1) You must stop negative thoughts. Every time you think about doing something, a swarm of negative thoughts immediately begin forming. You worry about humiliating yourself, and eventually give up. Pay close attention to your thoughts when an anxious situation happens, like going to the mall/supermarket, or when a person you think you might want to meet walks by.

2) In your mind, say, "STOP!" This will jar your mind, and the thoughts will be broken for a small instant. Right after, say something internally, like, "I'm having anxious thoughts right now, and I don't like them. I'm going to ignore these thoughts, and focus on something else." Telling your mind this is preparing it for change. Even if you don't believe it, just do it. Eventually, your mind will play along.

3) Start singing or something. I always sing to flush out the anxious thoughts. It is a great way to neutralize the negative thoughts, and it's easy to do. It's better to do it out loud, but that is a little counter-intuitive for the person that struggles with social anxiety, don't you think? Humming is better, and singing in your mind is the least favorable option. Also - if you really just don't want to sing, you can do anything else: clean your room/house, do some push-ups, or take a walk. Just do SOMETHING. This is imperative, because your brain has to know, after it's been told that it won't think negative thoughts, that it must now focus on something else. Doing the things listed above will start making a new path in the mind, and will become habit over time.

I'm So Anxious I Don't Get Anything Done

I often find myself not getting anything done because of overbearing anxiety. I have millions of ideas, but I never seem to get anything accomplished, because I start to second-guess the possible results. I start to wonder what the results will be before I even start, and, more often than not, the results that I come up with are negative.

Your mind is like a probabilities-processing computer

Or at least mine is. I will have a "brilliant" idea, then start thinking about what I need to do to get it done. For an example, I'll use this blog. I used to look for ways to make money online and otherwise, and I came upon the school of using the search engines to drive traffic to a website by targeting keywords and getting backlinks. This intrigued me, of course, because I thought that I could make money, not have to go outside and meet anyone, and I would have nobody telling me what to do. What a blessing for someone with social anxiety!

- I started assessing the situation:
First thing I needed to do was find keywords, so I looked around and found some, and also found possible sponsors that could pay me once my website started getting traffic. Didn't contact anyone, of course, I just looked and noted ones that I might contact in the future. After that, I made the blog, targeted a few keywords, and wrote an entry or two. I started realizing that it wouldn't happen overnight - that I was going to have to stick with this thing for a long time! That discouraged me, and I eventually stopped posting. I would think, "Wow, I really picked some highly competitive keywords, and I'll never be able to get any traffic for this stuff." My anxiety started getting the best of me.

The Confident Person Just Does It

What I should have been doing in the first place, was just DOING it! It doesn't matter if it sucks, or if the traffic doesn't roll in for a year. The point is, if I had have started writing on a daily basis, I would have a formidable blog by now, and one that would be a great place to backlink from. This idea of creating for the sake of creating eludes a lot of people with social anxiety, and keeps us from getting anything done.

Keeping your mind from thinking about the future will keep you closer to where you're supposed to be and what you should be doing - doing something! The more you sit and ruminate all the possibilities for failure, the less likely you will be to get out there and make something happen. Now, I still have serious anxiety issues, but for the past year, I've been trying to change my ridiculous thinking habits in order to be a little more productive. Here's what I do:

1) If I have an idea, I start working on it very quickly. Today, I started having some anxious feelings about not getting anything done, and then I thought, "Wait, I have a blog for that. I'll just make a post." And now I'm here.

2) I stop thinking about hyperbolic results. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is going to read my blog and just start laughing. This is what anxiety is all about. It is an exaggerated fear of something that probably won't happen. And even everyone in the world read the thing, not everyone would laugh. Some people may get some help!

3) I flip the negative to positive. If someone read it and thought I was stupid for writing this, I would view it as a reason to step my game up. I know that no one's perfect, and you can't please everyone. But, if enough people say you suck, maybe you should look into it. This is where the "that which does not kill me will make me stronger" saying comes from.

Less anxiety = more confidence!