Anxiety and Being Alone
Having anxiety can be a harsh thing to deal with. People with anxiety often find themselves alone and hopeless. It is a very difficult disorder to handle, because it is hard to change your way of thinking. Just the very thought of doing something therapeutical conjures many questions: "Am I going to have to meet some more people?", "Do I have to go every day?", "What am I going to wear?", among others pop into the affected's mind, and it spurs more anxiety along.
It is such an irrational disorder, that it makes someone affected by it look lazy and unmotivated. The truth is, the sufferer of any kind of anxiety disorder often has big dreams and plans for the future, but also has the irrational fears that block him/her from doing what they want to do, and what they are completely capable of doing. Looking for answers on the internet yields little result, as the market has been flooded with people without social anxiety that are really getting on the ball and pushing out blog entries, getting backlinks, and making money, bolstering their confidence even further. This is fine, but the information is rarely a source of help for the people who have true anxiety. Going to a therapist is worse, because sessions are so expensive, and someone who is socially anxious is probably already not working, or not acheiving greatest at their job.
When I was searching for answers, I came across a few websites that did a great job explaining what social anxiety was, how to combat it, and the misconceptions of other people about the disorder. I will post these and give the long and short of things at a later date.
Right now, I'm tackling the "Anxiety and Being Alone" issue. A lot of people who suffer from anxiety find themselves alone, and that is because they find it difficult to go out into the world, and even when they do, they find it difficult to spark up conversations, or even smile. I remember catching so much hell for a very small spot on my front tooth that I found it hard to smile, and if I told a joke to someone I didn't know well and they didn't laugh, I would immediately think they couldn't focus on the joke because they were focused on my tooth. This would cause me to feel uncomfortable, and think that it would just be best to keep my mouth shut, and never talk or smile. That would keep the discomfort away. As a result, I didn't meet a whole lot of people growing up, and everyone thought I was on drugs because I never talked.
The Fear is Irrational
Of course, this is ridiculous! Everyone has flaws, and mine was very minor. I didn't have a lot available to me, money-wise, but a little spot on a tooth that was almost the same color was barely noticeable. Even if it was noticeable, most people won't say anything, and if they did, I could have been ready to pop a quick quip right back. A friend of mine back in the day would give me hell for it, and I would fire right back at his flaws, many times leaving him speechless - I wasn't mean or anything, just witty. OK, maybe just a little mean.
The point is that everyone has flaws. You may not see them immediately, but they are there. And even if they don't have any externally, they THINK they have them! Most people that get all of the plastic surgery and touch-ups when they looked fine to begin with get them because they are insecure - they think that they will be a better person if they had something augmented. I don't get to meet many of these, but I'm almost positive that's an anxiety disorder.
Get Over Yourself
The hardest thing to do is get over yourself. If you are anxious, it will show. You can go out, be social, talk to people, and crack jokes, but if you have anxiety, you will give out physical cues that other people will pick up on. They won't know that you have anxiety, but they will think something is strange about you. They can see if you don't have a job, or never leave the house, and they will think you are lazy and unmotivated. So, the thing is, you can meet people all you want, but if the anxiety is there, they won't be as eager to give of themselves to you. I think this is close to where I am right now - I meet lots of people, but I'm still mired in social anxiety, and I know people can see it (especially females). I've been off my therapy for some time, and I'm thinking that it's about time to get back on it.
It's hard to get rid of the negative thoughts that we have about ourselves. We have been conditioned to have these thoughts since childhood. It comes in many forms, but the results are similar. We become afraid to do the things we need to do in order to function in society. Small things, too! If you've always wanted hair like the big actor such-and-such, and your hair would never go that way, suddenly you feel like your hair is no good AT ALL! You most likely have good hair, you just don't think it's good because you are comparing yourself to someone else, and that's a big no-no in treating anxiety. The funny thing is - that big actor or actress's hair most likely did not come easy. It probably cost a lot of money to change it from "regular" hair to what it is now.
If You Are Comfortable With Yourself, People Will Like You
I'm sure you've heard the expression "You can't love anyone until you love yourself". I think this is an early expression for social anxiety! I've also heard people say that it isn't true, but how is that possible? If you hate yourself, you aren't giving anyone a reason to like you. You will complain, be avoidant, procrastinate, and rationalize your way out of things because you have a fear. The opposite sex will most certainly not find this attractive. And your same sex cohorts will avoid being around YOU, because you're not contributing to the team - helping with work, networking, introducing people to new people, and entertaining. People in every society look for these traits in people, because they make them feel good. For a human, it's all about spreading around and building things.
If you have a very analytical mind, look around and try to see the traits in a "popular" guy or girl. What do they do that you don't? How do they talk to people? How do they dress?
Safe People
Although beleaguered with anxiety, most people can find their way into at least a couple of relationships, though they might not be healthy ones. As a youngster, it seems so much easier to run up and down the block and meeting people. As you get older, you are choosy about who you run with, and having anxiety makes the choosing a lot more difficult. You have a specific criteria about who you will and will not associate with. You need them to be sensitive to your needs - never scrutinizing you, doesn't have a huge circle of friends, etc. I call these "safe people". These are the people you can go to the mall with and not be on-edge all the time because they are similar to you: they aren't going to be walking up to random strangers and starting conversations; that would probably give you a heart attack! I know it would have me, back in the day. Nowadays, I would have a slight panic attack, and fidget the entire time. But I'm getting better :)
So, How Do I Quit Being Alone?
You must learn more about anxiety and how to combat it. I will have to post some resources later, because I don't have them available at this time, but I can give you a quick lesson that has helped me lots of times:
1) You must stop negative thoughts. Every time you think about doing something, a swarm of negative thoughts immediately begin forming. You worry about humiliating yourself, and eventually give up. Pay close attention to your thoughts when an anxious situation happens, like going to the mall/supermarket, or when a person you think you might want to meet walks by.
2) In your mind, say, "STOP!" This will jar your mind, and the thoughts will be broken for a small instant. Right after, say something internally, like, "I'm having anxious thoughts right now, and I don't like them. I'm going to ignore these thoughts, and focus on something else." Telling your mind this is preparing it for change. Even if you don't believe it, just do it. Eventually, your mind will play along.
3) Start singing or something. I always sing to flush out the anxious thoughts. It is a great way to neutralize the negative thoughts, and it's easy to do. It's better to do it out loud, but that is a little counter-intuitive for the person that struggles with social anxiety, don't you think? Humming is better, and singing in your mind is the least favorable option. Also - if you really just don't want to sing, you can do anything else: clean your room/house, do some push-ups, or take a walk. Just do SOMETHING. This is imperative, because your brain has to know, after it's been told that it won't think negative thoughts, that it must now focus on something else. Doing the things listed above will start making a new path in the mind, and will become habit over time.
Having anxiety can be a harsh thing to deal with. People with anxiety often find themselves alone and hopeless. It is a very difficult disorder to handle, because it is hard to change your way of thinking. Just the very thought of doing something therapeutical conjures many questions: "Am I going to have to meet some more people?", "Do I have to go every day?", "What am I going to wear?", among others pop into the affected's mind, and it spurs more anxiety along.
It is such an irrational disorder, that it makes someone affected by it look lazy and unmotivated. The truth is, the sufferer of any kind of anxiety disorder often has big dreams and plans for the future, but also has the irrational fears that block him/her from doing what they want to do, and what they are completely capable of doing. Looking for answers on the internet yields little result, as the market has been flooded with people without social anxiety that are really getting on the ball and pushing out blog entries, getting backlinks, and making money, bolstering their confidence even further. This is fine, but the information is rarely a source of help for the people who have true anxiety. Going to a therapist is worse, because sessions are so expensive, and someone who is socially anxious is probably already not working, or not acheiving greatest at their job.
When I was searching for answers, I came across a few websites that did a great job explaining what social anxiety was, how to combat it, and the misconceptions of other people about the disorder. I will post these and give the long and short of things at a later date.
Right now, I'm tackling the "Anxiety and Being Alone" issue. A lot of people who suffer from anxiety find themselves alone, and that is because they find it difficult to go out into the world, and even when they do, they find it difficult to spark up conversations, or even smile. I remember catching so much hell for a very small spot on my front tooth that I found it hard to smile, and if I told a joke to someone I didn't know well and they didn't laugh, I would immediately think they couldn't focus on the joke because they were focused on my tooth. This would cause me to feel uncomfortable, and think that it would just be best to keep my mouth shut, and never talk or smile. That would keep the discomfort away. As a result, I didn't meet a whole lot of people growing up, and everyone thought I was on drugs because I never talked.
The Fear is Irrational
Of course, this is ridiculous! Everyone has flaws, and mine was very minor. I didn't have a lot available to me, money-wise, but a little spot on a tooth that was almost the same color was barely noticeable. Even if it was noticeable, most people won't say anything, and if they did, I could have been ready to pop a quick quip right back. A friend of mine back in the day would give me hell for it, and I would fire right back at his flaws, many times leaving him speechless - I wasn't mean or anything, just witty. OK, maybe just a little mean.
The point is that everyone has flaws. You may not see them immediately, but they are there. And even if they don't have any externally, they THINK they have them! Most people that get all of the plastic surgery and touch-ups when they looked fine to begin with get them because they are insecure - they think that they will be a better person if they had something augmented. I don't get to meet many of these, but I'm almost positive that's an anxiety disorder.
Get Over Yourself
The hardest thing to do is get over yourself. If you are anxious, it will show. You can go out, be social, talk to people, and crack jokes, but if you have anxiety, you will give out physical cues that other people will pick up on. They won't know that you have anxiety, but they will think something is strange about you. They can see if you don't have a job, or never leave the house, and they will think you are lazy and unmotivated. So, the thing is, you can meet people all you want, but if the anxiety is there, they won't be as eager to give of themselves to you. I think this is close to where I am right now - I meet lots of people, but I'm still mired in social anxiety, and I know people can see it (especially females). I've been off my therapy for some time, and I'm thinking that it's about time to get back on it.
It's hard to get rid of the negative thoughts that we have about ourselves. We have been conditioned to have these thoughts since childhood. It comes in many forms, but the results are similar. We become afraid to do the things we need to do in order to function in society. Small things, too! If you've always wanted hair like the big actor such-and-such, and your hair would never go that way, suddenly you feel like your hair is no good AT ALL! You most likely have good hair, you just don't think it's good because you are comparing yourself to someone else, and that's a big no-no in treating anxiety. The funny thing is - that big actor or actress's hair most likely did not come easy. It probably cost a lot of money to change it from "regular" hair to what it is now.
If You Are Comfortable With Yourself, People Will Like You
I'm sure you've heard the expression "You can't love anyone until you love yourself". I think this is an early expression for social anxiety! I've also heard people say that it isn't true, but how is that possible? If you hate yourself, you aren't giving anyone a reason to like you. You will complain, be avoidant, procrastinate, and rationalize your way out of things because you have a fear. The opposite sex will most certainly not find this attractive. And your same sex cohorts will avoid being around YOU, because you're not contributing to the team - helping with work, networking, introducing people to new people, and entertaining. People in every society look for these traits in people, because they make them feel good. For a human, it's all about spreading around and building things.
If you have a very analytical mind, look around and try to see the traits in a "popular" guy or girl. What do they do that you don't? How do they talk to people? How do they dress?
Safe People
Although beleaguered with anxiety, most people can find their way into at least a couple of relationships, though they might not be healthy ones. As a youngster, it seems so much easier to run up and down the block and meeting people. As you get older, you are choosy about who you run with, and having anxiety makes the choosing a lot more difficult. You have a specific criteria about who you will and will not associate with. You need them to be sensitive to your needs - never scrutinizing you, doesn't have a huge circle of friends, etc. I call these "safe people". These are the people you can go to the mall with and not be on-edge all the time because they are similar to you: they aren't going to be walking up to random strangers and starting conversations; that would probably give you a heart attack! I know it would have me, back in the day. Nowadays, I would have a slight panic attack, and fidget the entire time. But I'm getting better :)
So, How Do I Quit Being Alone?
You must learn more about anxiety and how to combat it. I will have to post some resources later, because I don't have them available at this time, but I can give you a quick lesson that has helped me lots of times:
1) You must stop negative thoughts. Every time you think about doing something, a swarm of negative thoughts immediately begin forming. You worry about humiliating yourself, and eventually give up. Pay close attention to your thoughts when an anxious situation happens, like going to the mall/supermarket, or when a person you think you might want to meet walks by.
2) In your mind, say, "STOP!" This will jar your mind, and the thoughts will be broken for a small instant. Right after, say something internally, like, "I'm having anxious thoughts right now, and I don't like them. I'm going to ignore these thoughts, and focus on something else." Telling your mind this is preparing it for change. Even if you don't believe it, just do it. Eventually, your mind will play along.
3) Start singing or something. I always sing to flush out the anxious thoughts. It is a great way to neutralize the negative thoughts, and it's easy to do. It's better to do it out loud, but that is a little counter-intuitive for the person that struggles with social anxiety, don't you think? Humming is better, and singing in your mind is the least favorable option. Also - if you really just don't want to sing, you can do anything else: clean your room/house, do some push-ups, or take a walk. Just do SOMETHING. This is imperative, because your brain has to know, after it's been told that it won't think negative thoughts, that it must now focus on something else. Doing the things listed above will start making a new path in the mind, and will become habit over time.
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