Build Your Self-Esteem With Self-Validation

I had an epiphany yesterday.

I started this blog many years ago, because I was struggling with my lot in life. I always hated the jobs I ended up in. I didn't much care for society in general. Especially after the internet came around, I always wanted to make tons of money online, so that I didn't have to deal with anyone, and just run around doing whatever I wanted to: travel, make art and construct my empire.

I've never had a problem studying things. I am actually well-versed in tons of concepts, from psychology to economy. It didn't take me long to figure out the mechanics of making money online. I wanted to make money blogging, and I decided to take low-competition keywords about confidence to manifest my experiences, while giving you all some hope or even answers.


Of course, I didn't stick with it. I blogged for a while. I created a few backlinks. I got a little traffic. But there was no money. The only thing that I had for monetization on this site was an affiliate banner for a binaural sounds program, and I made a few posts about it, even though I only used it a few times.

I think I may have been jobless at the time I started blogging. I was an alcoholic and I often stewed in my own misery and "hid out", not participating in society. I did this under the pretense that I didn't agree with anything society was doing, so I just wouldn't take part in it. Looking back, it was because I was anxious and afraid of being humiliated out there, or being physically harmed. This obviously led to hating myself more and more; reinforcing my thoughts about life being unfair, and directing my hatred towards people that were "successful". I had no self-confidence.

The epiphany was this:

If I had made money, I would have felt great.

That's a problem.

It's a problem, because it means that I needed money to feel validated.

How many times have you ever thought to yourself, "If I only had X, I would feel better"?

"If I had money". "If I had a better car". "If I had beautiful women". "If my teeth were straight".

This is more of a site for men, but girls think, "If I had bigger boobs".

All of these statements share one thing in common: They are seeking validation from something EXTERNAL, meaning that you feel as if you are a worthless human being if "having X" is not a true statement. That is a difficult equation to solve. If you cannot validate yourself INTERNALLY, then if you cannot find external validation, you will feel lost and inadequate.

You can start to fight for a better car, or braces for your teeth, so you can attract women. But if you start off without these things, yet need them to feel validated, you will hesitate and spiral into self-doubt. At least, that is what happened to me.

I started making a shift to an internal validation process about a week ago, after reading about self-validation. I fasted for 18 hours - to give my body a chance to recuperate. I went to the gym afterward, to try and build strength. I didn't eat anything processed or sweetened. A few days later, I realized this truth about what I had been actually seeking externally, and why I was feeling bad when it never came to me, or when it did come to me, but not how I wanted it or expected it.

I was raised by well-meaning, but super-strict parents. I was expected to help raise my brother and sister and put myself second. I pretty much always expected to not get what I wanted, because I was conditioned that way. I grew up "a nice kid", because I was always courteous and put myself before others. I never knew that I was allowed to have my needs met. This caused me to lash out at religion and authority figures throughout my life.

Trying Something....Anything

I didn't know what to do about anything, honestly. I tried to read everything I could about depression, anxiety and self-confidence, but nothing rang a bell for me. I still have self-confidence problems, but I can feel the path that I'm supposed to go towards.

I'm happy I made this blog, though. Even if the first posts are cringy when I read them now, I'm happy I did something. If anything, I could sort my thoughts out. Now, however, I'm going to be focusing on something different.