How To Validate Yourself

If you have anxiety, depression or low self-esteem, I'm going to go ahead and guess that you have a problem self-validating yourself, and you constantly seek external validation. I am going to guess that you believe that you do not matter, and your needs are not meant to be met. You might not even realize that you believe these things, but the fact is, if you are unmotivated to bring changes into your life because of fear or low confidence (which is, in the end, fear), then it most likely comes from a place of "not good enough", which stems from shame endured in childhood.

How does that work? Well, if you are denied your needs, it sends the message that you aren't good enough to have your needs met, therefore later in life, you do things to sabotage your happiness. This usually manifests itself as, "I'm not good enough, so I won't try". You will procrastinate working on things, you will be scared to release your ideas to the public, you will not speak out for your beliefs, and you will probably not stand up for yourself in a healthy way. As these behaviors create more negative results, you will look at these results and say, "See, I really am no good," and worsen the cycle.

No human can have all his/her needs met in infancy. There will always be a time when someone is unable to feed you as soon as you are hungry, for example, or change your diaper. Helpless, you will panic because something that you need is being temporarily ignored. If this is often or intense enough, there is a chance that it can have disastrous effects. These feelings can be exacerbated in adolescence and beyond.

You don't really understand that your needs weren't met when you get older. Your life has always been just the way it is - this makes it easier to start to believe that something is wrong with you, and you will never be successful or happy.

I believe that accepting yourself, and validating yourself is the way to stopping anxiety, and therefore a host of other disorders.

So, how do you go about doing this, if you have never felt what it is like to be validated?

There is all kinds of advice on the internet about how to "love" yourself. A lot of what I am going to suggest has been suggested before, but I think that understanding what you are doing, and why, is paramount to actually following through with it! So let's get on with it:

1) Exercise
Almost any place you go, exercising is on the list of things to do to cure anxiety and depression. It is true, it works. It's easier said than done, though - a lot of times when you are depressed, you don't feel like going out, and it's easy to find an excuse not to go to the gym.

Look behind the action to see the mechanism. Maybe you weren't allowed to go outside when you were younger, or you were coddled a bit too much. Both of these situations lead you to believe that you aren't good enough to handle physical activity. It may seem like exercising is "not for you", but the human genome disagrees. It's for everybody, and necessary. You don't have to do a ton of work: Lifting weight is some of the best exercise you can do, and you just lift heavy a couple of times and go home (at first). This will have amazing results when you......

2) Change Your Diet
Another staple in the online advice for building confidence. Even if your mother cooked your meals, perhaps she used a lot of processed foods and canned goods. This communicates to you that you aren't good enough for healthy, natural foods, and you will spiral out of control later in life. I actually think this issue is more important than exercise. The modern world is full of processed food, almost all of it controlled by a handful of companies. Couple that with the fact that these companies use the media to spread false information about food, and you have a "recipe" for disaster. (lol)

Contrary to what you've been told all your life, your diet should consist of a lot of fat. Healthy fat, not cupcakes. I went on a bacon, steak and eggs diet for a month, and lost 20 pounds naturally. I also stayed full the duration of the time. I'll make a post dedicated to this, but for now, just eat bacon, eggs, beef, white rice, white potatoes, and green leafy vegetables, or those of the cruciferous variety - broccoli and spinach are great. Cook everything in butter, olive or coconut oil. Stay the eff away from: soda, high fructose corn syrup, vegetable oil, pasta, bread and beer.

After a week, your mind will clear up, and you will have lost weight. And you will miss soda and tacos.

Just by doing these things, you are telling yourself that you care. You care enough to put good nutrition into it, and you protect it by making it stronger. This is "loving yourself", not reading affirmations to a mirror. There are more ways to self-validate, but these 2 are foundations. Yes, you can show yourself that you love it by dressing nice and grooming, but until you love your body, these will always be secondary.

I struggled with the self-validation concept for a long time. I knew I had to exercise, but I could never muster the willpower to do it for an extended period. I couldn't see quick results, and that brought feelings of not being good enough, and I was left with a "what's the point?" type of view. I would then eat or booze up to get the high I was looking for. Nowadays, I appreciate the act for what it is, which is demonstrating love for myself. When it comes time to go to the gym, I know that I am going to strengthen my body because I want it to survive harsh conditions, instead of "God, I have to workout because if I don't, no one will like me". This small change in point of view is the difference between love and hate for the gym.

Once I started caring, my anxiety dropped precipitously. Things bother me less. I'm still a little anxious about seeing more results, but I'm finding it easier to write in this blog. The clarity and extra energy are working together to boost my confidence, and I am much less worried about how I write or what I write. It is truly a miracle.