Building Confidence - Abuse

I used to be an abusive man.

There. I said it.

I was manipulative, hurtful, condescending, and occasionally physical. I look around and I see a lot of other abusive men in the world, and I can always guess what's going through their heads and why they act the way they do. And guess what? It all boils down to self-esteem and insecurity issues! (Who would have thought?)

OK, I know that usually in this blog I drop a little knowledge about how having a low esteem of yourself can damage your life by keeping you away from the things you desire, and actually, now that I think about it, this post has a lot to do with that. I guess the real difference in this post is that I'm speaking more from a man-woman relationship stance, rather than the individual point of view. Although, you can also apply this to friendships, family relationships, etc. I don't want this blog to become a relationship blog thingy, but I think that this stuff really should be addressed. It's really another example of how the way you feel about yourself can affect the way that you interact with others, and what you'll generally get out of life. That said, here we go with the abusive men b/s.

First off, let me say that I'm tired of all the media hype and blustering and blubbering about "abusive men". Yes, it sucks, and it can be perceived as wrong. I'm not talking about any of that. I'm talking about how a man is always supposed to "do the right thing", when in all actuality, some men don't know what it is they're supposed to be doing. I think it's another example of Americans trying to treat the solution instead of the problem. Sure, there are classes out there for anger-management and whatnot, but even those classes are degrading and only show a man one avenue, which is to just quit doing it, no matter what your needs are. Anyway, we can argue about that later, even though I'm sure that one fired up a few folks.

Back on topic:

A lot of men can be abusive without knowing it. They have a solid sense of "how things should be", and let their victims know by subtly manipulating, or by sending them on a guilt trip. Some men will point out flaws in their partners by telling them straight-up.

Right out of the gate, I see the fallacy. "How things should be" - key word there being "should". This is a classic fallacy of the human mind. As we are brought up through life, we think that there are a number of externals that we have to control. We have to have respect from other people, we have to have everything our way, and if we don't (I'm talking about everyone here, don't doze off, ladies), we get depressed, anxious, upset, and start to feel like we're doing something wrong. Because of the fact that usually men and women are brought up differently, this can manifest itself in a few different ways, and I'm gonna be super vague: Women often feel that they must marry, have kids, and live in a house (as per what Mom and Big Momma told them). When this becomes overly expected and it proves unfruitful, they get depressed, sleep around, etc, etc, insert-woman-problem here. Men are taught that they must be dominant, take no ish from anyone, have a beautiful, obedient wife with which to create beautiful children (as per what Pops and the homies told them). When this is overly expected and doesn't come out in the wash, they get angry. Lots of built-up, simmering rage.

Instead of accepting everything as-is and dealing with stupid little problems as they come along, men tend to find a girl (that has flaws just like anyone else!), and take out their issues on her. My problem in particular, is that since I really wasn't a guy sought after by many women (because of my low self-confidence), I found one that I REALLY, REALLY liked, and tried to change her little flaws into something I found acceptable. You can see how this is just irrational. Nobody wants to be changed by anyone. Matter of fact, you CAN'T change anyone. You can only make them more sly - if they stick around.

Here's the embarrassing part (if the above wasn't embarrassing enough). What was I getting mad about? I remember myself saying things like: "You were looking at that guy, weren't you?", or "You said you were going to be back in 15 minutes!", or the best one: "Where did you get this money?!". You can exchange these questions and statements easily to: "Why isn't dinner ready?", "Don't you worry about what's in the bank!", or "You're not going anywhere looking like that."

Because I lacked confidence in myself, I couldn't see that she was with me for a reason (and it damn sure wasn't money). I thought I wasn't good enough to hold her attention. This really pissed me off.

Sure, everyone gets a little anxious at times. Everyone has a low moment a time or two in their life. What pushes it to physical abuse? The short answer is drugs. The longer explanation is that since people with low esteem tend to abuse alcohol (and anything else), their emotions are heightened, etc. - you know all the things alcohol can do to you. Conversely, someone who beats their girlfriend/wife completely sober for over a week is a pretty cold M/F'er, and that's a pretty low self-esteem.

Well, I think I've rambled enough and made enough people mad. But oh well. I've been there, and I can honestly say that it wasn't fun. I can also honestly say that I had no idea why I did what I did, and I had no idea how I could cure it. Alcohol awareness, Alcoholics Anonymous, church, parents or anything else couldn't have shown me what I had to find out on my own - and that's to keep building confidence in myself through therapy to decrease my anxiety and depression.

Building Confidence - Alcohol

Self-confidence is integral in how we go through our lives and our success. As mentioned before, I believe that there is a definite link between self-esteem/confidence and alcohol. There is more of a probability for people that struggle with confidence issues to abuse alcohol.

The person with a lack of confidence is usually afraid to meet new people and feels trapped in his/her own world. Going out can cause a great deal of anxiety that is very hard to overcome, and leaves the victim feeling "locked up" and unable to speak. Ingesting alcohol is an easy way to ease the feelings of anxiety, and once a person who has anxiety issues tries alcohol, they realize that the beverage could easily be an answer to their problems, as the alcohol wards off inhibition and feelings of inadequacy.

The temporary relief of these feelings of extreme anxiety at first seems to be invaluable to the victims of low self-confidence. The sufferer, after a few drinks, will feel confident, "witty", and charming in social situations. In actuality, the inebriated person already has these charming qualities, but a lack of confidence and debilitating anxiety keep them from exhibiting these traits. This can leave one feeling "trapped" within themselves, and desperate to find a way out.

What happens as time goes by, the brain will let the person know that he/she can be social, but only after drinking. This translates to not being able to go out without having a few alcoholic beverages. If the root cause of the anxiety is not examined, this cycle will continue, and the situation has no other recourse than to become worse, and in the future, uncontrollable.

Of course, in the later stages of alcoholism, it becomes harder and harder to quit, as the body becomes dependent on it physically. Upon quitting for a time, users may experience alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Depending on the stage of alcoholism, these symptoms can range from anxiety (which was probably present in the first place) to seizures and delirium.

But the main point of this is to point out that alcoholism is usually the product of a low self-confidence/anxiety disorder. Once a person begins to have confidence, the need to drink (especially heavily) dwindles to a certain extent. It doesn't become an everyday "mission" like some people make it. I have friends that try their best to drink an 18-pack of beer every day, and they are miserable. They also begin to lose respect among their peers, and that makes them even more depressed. Now, on top of having to ween off of alcohol and develop a new way of thinking, they are also burdened with the original source of anxiety.

It's important to us that we begin to learn how to manage our lives confidently and without outside stimuli.

How To Build More Confidence

Ok, so we know how a lack of confidence can affect us. It can make us hesitant, resulting in missed opportunities and possibly isolation that could lead to depression and anxiety. But how to we build more confidence?

The answer to this is not easy. There are many lists on the internet giving tips on how to increase self confidence. There are probably a lot more lists out there on how to feel confident talking to girls or guys. Most of them say pretty much the same thing:


1. Dress Nice
Clothes don't make you, but they do affect and reflect the way you feel about yourself. If you dress sloppy, people assume that you don't care and won't play by the rules. Do not be fooled by the "beauty is on the inside" adage. If you look like a soup sandwich, people will naturally react negatively toward you. This, in turn can have you feeling that you were right all along: No one likes you. That can send you into a nasty spiral.
Be sure to bathe and shave everyday, and try to stay in line with the latest trends at least a little. I hear all you non-conformists out there groaning, but you want more self-confidence, right?
This doesn’t mean you need to spend a lot on clothes. Just try to get yourself a few things that are nice when you have the chance. You will see later that when your confidence goes up, so does your overall success, and you will continue to grow and grow.

2. Change Your Walk
People can tell that you are tired and beat down by life if you walk around dragging ass with your head down. Show the world that you have a purpose (even if you don't!). You have people to see, things to do! Walking with your head up and maybe a little quicker will make you look and feel more important.

3. Good Posture
Similarly, the ol' posture does much of the same thing. People with slumped shoulders and lazy, pained movements display a lack of self confidence. They aren’t enthusiastic about what they’re doing and they don’t consider themselves important. You'll automatically feel more confident with good posture. Stand up straight, keep your head up, and make eye contact (this is another issue).

4. Self-Talk
Everyone talks to themselves whether they are conscious of it or not. We use this self-talk to encourage ourselves in many situations. You may not have the automatic positive self-talk that confident people use habitually, so you might have to make a more conscious effort to let yourself know that you have many great qualities. This can be hard to do, especially if you are a sufferer of social anxiety. Talking to yourself out loud, of course, is better, but for starters even looping something positive in your mind is great.

5. Be Thankful
Sometimes we are stuck in a loop of negative self-talk. You want to achieve a goal, but your mind keeps telling you that your aren't good enough. You would be surprised to know how much you actually have going for you. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. This is a lot like positive self-talk, and it can motivate you.

6. Compliment Others
Complimenting people makes them feel good. When you make others feel good, they in turn see you in an extremely positive light. This will elevate your confidence, and you will feel a lot better about yourself when you have the adoring eye of other humans. This feeling of kinship with other people is a very large part of our species, and without it life seems bleak and hopeless. By looking for the best in others, you indirectly bring out the best in yourself.

7. Sit In Front (Get Out There!)
I'm pretty sure you like to sit in the back of the room in class or at meetings. You don't want to be looked at, called on, or talked to. This is a fairly obvious indication of a low self-confidence. If you sit up front (or next to that cute girl/guy), you can get over this irrational fear and build your self confidence. You’ll also be more visible to the important people talking from the front of the room.

8. Speak Up
A lot of people never speak up because they’re worried that people will judge them for saying something stupid. As a matter of fact most people are dealing with the exact same problems and fears, so speak up, because what you're saying is not retarded. By not speaking up, you lose that human interaction, and you lose the recognition by other people that marks your place in the world and gives you a sense of purpose.

9. Work Out
Back to personal appearance, physical fitness is a HUGE factor in self-confidence. This sucks, but it's just the way it is. If you’re out of shape, you’ll feel unattractive and less energetic. By working out, you improve your physcial appearance, energize yourself, and accomplish something positive. Having the discipline to work out not only makes you feel better, it creates positive momentum that you can build on the rest of the day.


This is pretty much the gist of the build more confidence checklist. By staying in shape, dressing a little nicer (hopefully a little nicer every time you can), grooming yourself, carrying yourself with pride, and speaking up, you will be seen by your peers as a confident individual. You will be liked, sought, and your presence will be enjoyed.

So what if you feel like you can't do these things? My suggestion is to try and figure out what is eating you. Social Anxiety is what I mentioned before, but many kinds of anxiety have crippling effects, namely, procrastination and depression. Try and figure out why it is you're so afraid even to try these techniques, and try to utilize some positive self-talk to neutralize those fears. In any event, professional help should be sought.

Build More Confidence - A Word About Social Anxiety

If you're like me, then you have low self-confidence due to social anxiety. This is a paralyzing disorder that can lead to depression and procrastination. Since almost everything we do is based on society, this can mean that you really don't feel like doing anything at all, and that makes it hard to have confidence or build more confidence. After all, how can you be confident around people when you're scared of what you'll say or if you might embarrass yourself?


I never realized it fully until recently, but I struggled (and still struggle) with social anxiety for many, many years. It would manifest itself in all kinds of ways, and I would even fear doing things around my house, when no one is around. That's just crazy.

My social ineptitude was magnified when I would try to talk to someone or try something new, and fail miserably. This only reinforced my already shitty self-image, and sunk me deeper into depression and isolation around strangers, especially. I've always had a close group of friends - I always seem to seek out people who display similar traits, and I feel "safe" around them. I always felt/feel more confident around them, but around strangers I was like a deer in headlights.

This sent me spiraling into alcohol abuse and depression. Since I was severely inhibited while I was sober, I decided that I liked alcohol because it took away all of those feelings of not knowing what to say or how to act around strangers. Truly, I was a lot of things on alcohol - charming, hilarious, uninhibited, assertive and dangerous - all things that I thought were great qualities, but none of which I could achieve sober because of my "shyness".

This is common in sufferers of social anxiety, and in my case it got me in a whole hell of a lot of trouble. Once my drinking went over-the-top, so did my antics, and I really didn't care one way or the other what people thought (finally!).

Building self-confidence isn't something that alcohol can do for you. Once the potion wears off, you're right back where you started, and you're probably a little more depressed that it took a beatdown on your liver and wallet to get you the guts to go and talk to that semi-pretty female playing card games on the crackbox at your local bar.

But battling social anxiety is a true bitch. The only proven method of permanent change is through Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, in which the false beliefs you have about yourself (I'm ugly, no one likes me, I could never do that, I can't talk in public, etc.) must be shown to you and systematically and slowly changed. Immersing yourself in your fears only shows you your failures and reinforces your false belief system. To make matters worse, most therapists don't really like to cite the cause "social anxiety" in their diagnoses. My guess on that is because they would rather pawn off medication on the general public to keep everyone paid, except for the suffering victim. I could go on and on about that in another blog, but this blog is about building self-confidence!

So, before you try and go out to your doctor to get yourself some Paxil or whatever, think about what you're really afraid of. If you start to ask yourself some questions, you may figure out that you're really afraid of nothing (you might already know that), and that's the first step in looking for a real way to get better, and become more confident.

Build More Confidence - Confidence Blog!

Hey, all.

Thanks for dropping by my Neuro-Programmer site. I personally use Neuro-Programmer, and I think it's a great product, but I think that the subject of confidence needs to be pursued at a different level, so I am creating a new blog exploring many aspects of self-confidence as applied to daily life situations. It will also be a haven for my misplaced anecdotes of debauchery and wild antics as related to the subject of a low self-esteem.

Not to say that I can't be wild anymore. Heh.

I am going to start adding a log-type element to this page. I admittedly don't use the Neuro-Programmer 2 as much as I should be, but from time to time I put it on. It always helps, though - making my thoughts clearer and I almost always come out of the trance feeling more confident and ready to take on the world. I have several logs over on my other site, and I will slowly start to bring the entries over here.


So stick around! There's plenty of mind-bending activity going on, and I'll try to bring nothing but the best!

Check out Becoming More Confident over here.