Build More Confidence

What Is Anxiety?

2011-10-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

An Anxiety Story

You are standing in line to get something to eat. You can be at school, work, at a restaurant. You are single. There is a beautiful woman standing in line in front of you. She smells like a dream. She has a book with her, and you've read it before. She has a bracelet on that says, "Down with the facists." You feel that way, too! You've realized that you have some things in common with this person, she's around the same age as you.... Go talk to her!

Suddenly, you think your breath might be a little dank. You notice a stain on your shirt. You remember a different time that you talked to a girl, and she dismissed you like the peon you are. You see other guys looking at her from tables, and you worry that you might get into a fight. You think your jeans might be a little tight for your big ass. Now you feel like the whole restaurant is staring at you and laughing on the inside!

What you are experiencing is anxiety.

Anxiety is fear, in a nutshell. It is actually a human reaction. It was designed to protect us - keep us from danger - and when you are in a fearful situation, your body reacts by throwing those wonderful spurts of adrenaline into our your bloodstream. Fight or flight, as the texts say.

So, why am I scared of talking to this girl, you ask? There could be a number of reasons. The most likely is that you have low self-esteem, and you are afraid of the impending rejection you will most likely face. Another, more subtle, is that you are afraid of the surrounding people laughing at you - humiliation. Or maybe, you've seen someone get the snot beaten out of them for talking to a girl, and you don't think you can handle that on this lovely September day.

These are normal feelings, but when the anxiety is constant and keeps you from leading a "normal" life (I put "normal" in quotes, because normality is in the eye of the beholder, in my opinion), then it becomes and anxiety disorder. This is a crippling disorder, leaving the sufferer to exist as a person filled with lots of love, imagination, and aspiration all canned inside of a shell that smells of fear and unwillingness.

Don't Think Too Highly of Yourself?

This is the underlying cause of anxiety. It is also the underlying cause of depression. It is imperative that you try and figure out how to believe in yourself, as an anxiety disorder can disrupt and torture your life for as long as you let it. Therapy is almost mandatory. Of course, you could fake it until you make it, but once you make it, you'll still be facing your enemy within, and once people have seen the real fear that you possess, all of the pseudo-confidence will come crashing down like a house of cards - which will send you into a self-loathing like none other.

Are You Feeling a Little Anxious?

Aside from the little adventure above, anxiety can manifest itself in so many ways.

Are you a perfectionist? A perfectionist is often afraid to let his/her work out into the public eye unless it is absolutely flawless. This takes so much time from productivity, and each project becomes an obsession. ("I will start talking to girls once I have more money, a new car, a haircut, and some new clothes.")

Do you procrastinate? Like the perfectionist above, projects and ideas become obsessions. Unlike the perfectionist above, projects don't get started! The fear of being inadequate stops productivity before it even starts. ("Man, what's the use of being a musician? There are so many people out there that are better than me, there's not a chance in hell that I'll make it big, or even be successful.")

The Cure

Like the simple word "fear" that describes/doesn't do justice to anxiety, there is a simple phrase that describes how to overcome it: "Do What Makes You Happy."

So simple it's stupid, right?

Go out there and do your thing. Get your ass kicked. Get laughed at. Build from what you know. Become something great. The confidence will follow.

Comments?

Anxiety in My Life - And What it Means for You

2011-09-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

Yay! Girls!

A lot of people are checking out the site to learn how to be confident around girls. But this post will be more about how to be confident AFTER you have a girlfriend, and how not to mess everything up!

See, since I was a kid, my life was dictated by what-if's, worse-case scenarios, and constantly thinking other people were out to get me. It's still kinda that way, I suppose, but I have been slowly making changes to resolve this horrible affliction. I don't have the money to go and see a psychologist or psychiatrist, but the internet is free. After reading for years (information addiction), I have come to my own conclusion that what I am contending with is anxiety (social, general), which has lead to a number of things - delusional paranoia, depression, and low self-esteem and confidence.

It all leads to one thing: paralysis. The fear that everyone is laughing at you and the humilation it entails can make a person not want to do anything at all. Thinking you look abnormal causes you to not want to expose yourself to other people. Of course this will make it near impossible to meet other people, right? Here's a great technique that people often try to tell you to use, in order to break the ice, so that you'll eventually feel comfortable with other people:

Fake It Till You Make It

Sounds good, don't it? It's actually pretty similar to what I said when I talked about perception being reality. That if you exude a vibe that people like, it will come across as confidence. Things like keeping your posture straight, smiling, and staying clean and relatively healthy.

Keeping a confident air around you will help you to meet people, but after you've met the girl of your dreams, and you're going out, do you really think that you can keep it up forever? Do you think that fake confidence is going to keep you feeling on top of things when she goes out with her friends? Or when she gets a new job?

For those already anxious, I'm not saying that you should avoid meeting people altogether because eventually your anxiety is going to shine through! This is not a deal-breaker. You need to be aware of it, though, and you should be able to combat your feelings. They are irrational (for the most part).

Don't Seek Answers

In my recent 10 month excursion with a beautiful, talented woman, I was worried that I would be left behind. This actually showed me a couple of things.

1) I was scared to accomplish anything myself; I was dependent on her to push me forward and/or bring us both up with HER accomplishments.

2) I started looking for "evidence" that she would leave.

3) I ultimately pushed her away with my constant surveillance.

See, I had the confidence to get with her in the first place, but I was not prepared to handle what she was going to dish out. It was a reckless, berserk, insane relationship with huge swings of bliss and sorrow. We both confessed deep love for each other, and even after the breakup, we still had such a huge emotional connection that we could not stop calling one another.

I'm not saying it was all my fault. She did some things that she knew I did not approve of. But instead of me talking to her about it, I held back, and started looking for signs of her becoming disinterested. I would become cold, and I would be contemptuous if she ever asked me to do anything for her, thinking that she was trying to keep me as a slave. Doing these things made her feel like I didn't care about her, and she actually did started moving away, and hanging around with another guy.

Had I been cool about the situation, I could have talked to her. Had I been confident, I could have left her without feeling like I was losing an asset. Come to think of it, had I been confident - with money, large circles of friends, and charisma - she probably never would have gave me any reason to doubt her. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now What?

The breakup is complete, but she still calls. It was one of the most emotional experiences of my life, and she claims that it is THE most. I don't want to talk to her, because I don't want to feel like I am second in line. I'm still working this out, but I'm pretty sure a confident person would not feel this way. I'm pretty sure that a confident person would still talk to her like a human, not call her names or blame her for anything. Then again, I'm not so sure that it is entirely my fault. This is a very tricky situtation, and I'll post new insights as I gain them.

That about wraps it up for this post, though. As usual - post your comments below, and let's work all our feelings out together!

Perception is Reality! - Confidence Tips

2011-09-14T23:23:00.000-07:00

There's a crazy thing that happens whenever you speak out loud to a group of people, or when you're dressed nice and walking around like you own the place, or when you smile at someone from your jalopy. And yes, this thing also happens when you have shit tons of money, and people know about said tons.

This thing that happens is conveyance of confidence! That rolls off the tongue like week-old sushi, don't it?

So here's the deal: if no one can see or hear that you're confident, then no one will know that you're confident.

This is commonly known as:

Perception is Reality

See, when people are all braggadocious and flashy and driving bad ass cars, they are showing the world, "Hey, look at me! I am confident! I had the big balls to go out and grab this up! I am a catch! You can have this, too!"

Don't buy it? Look at the expression on the guy next to you in the Porsche. Or watch the frat boy call across Chili's to a buddy of his. Or, at the shady gas station, observe the guy in saggin' pants and fake earrings approach a random car and sell a homemade CD.

In contrast, look how the shaky girl reads Harry Potter novels and never talks to anyone at her school. Try to find an inkling of the long-lost spark in the wino's eye (crackheads are different - don't look em in the eye, they have retard strength). Also, watch, as the kid with the slumped shoulders doesn't get a second glance from the 25-year old girls on their lunch break at the mall. Alright, stop making fun of me now.

The point here is that what you exude, is true. OK, I made that up off the top of the dome, but it means that people believe what they see and hear, and don't have the time to stop and wonder about how you hide your millions inside a dusty trenchcoat. They are too busy trying to get the latest such-and-such, and they have no patience when they have to guess.

Give Them What They Want

People are always looking for something. They have goals, aspirations. You are what stands between them, and what they want. So, why not give it to them? I don't mean punch them in the nose. I mean, be what they are looking for.

You could be the big flashy thing that makes their crew shine brighter. You could be the money-maker that everyone wants to learn from. You could be the lean, mean, sex devil that everyone envies and wants to be like. Mostly, people want to be great people. You can show them how to do that, can't you?

But How Am I Great?

Cliff, I'm just an ordinary person, you say to me! Well, so is everyone else, I answer you! The difference between you and Febrizio is that he has been trained to know what to build, and you were taught that life will run its course, and God has a plan for you.

Yes, once again, it's the ol' "Do Something" yarn. BE GREAT. Pick something you like. DO IT. BE GOOD AT IT. Your day shouldn't consist of "going to work and then going home and watching a whole season of True Blood". Figure out how to get some money. Throw some parties. Cook some food. Play some basketball. But don't give up! Suck at first, who cares!? Get better, and over time, you will be great. You think people just come out of the womb crossin' over fools? It takes practice. While you are probably not children that are reading my blog, you will have to start remembering what it is like to be a child. Say stupid shit. Do stupid shit. But love saying and doing them. As a child, you don't really worry about getting laughed at (unless you're bound by Eternal Christian Shame, as I am), so you just get up and do it again. You must be that person.

How to be Confident When You're On a Budget

2011-09-14T06:42:00.000-07:00

Being a Broke-Ass Wiseguy

As I mentioned in a previous post, a lot of things that help you become confident are related to money. The costs that are incurred when presenting yourself in a capitalistic society can be quite high. One might think that in order to be confident, they must have money. Money to go out, money to buy gifts, money to stay fit and look great.

In reality, it's the other way around; Money comes to the confident man.But for you, my confidence-deficient brethren, the journey is different. You must change your path, and travel that road that conflicts with your affliction.There are a few ways to do this.

Drop Yourself Directly Behind Enemy Lines

If you are lacking self-confidence and don't have any money, you will need to alleviate at least one of these problems. Having confidence without money is fine. Having money without confidence is....OK, but the underlying problem is still gnawing at the postman's ass.

You can kill that persistent beast, like many before you, by going straight into its den and fighting it every day, licking your wounds afterward, until your skin is so tough and leathery that its bites cannot penetrate it, allowing you to drop the lethal blow to its skull with your auto mechanics' rubber mallet.

This means going out there, getting into the mix, talking out loud about whatever you want, shrugging off people's cute little Harvard remarks about your outfits, and eventually garnering the respect of your peers. Of course, the rules still apply. You can't just start hangin' out with a bunch of fine-ass rich girls looking like a bum and smelling like an unwashed bum. The rules of confidence: keep your ass and neck clean, have hobbies and aspirations, etc.

Before you know it, you'll be talking like them, making jokes they laugh at, and you'll feel like you accomplished something. Why? Because you did! You came in there bedraggled and downtrodden, and rose to a level of comfortability that you never knew before. Now you too can talk down at society's failures!

Inherit Some Money or Start a Bad-Ass Business

If someone in your family drops a shit ton of cash on you, you're in luck! This will allow you to buy your success, and you'll be able to drink it all away in shame, because you still lack those interpersonal skills so badly needed for human interaction. Look at it this way, though - now you can at least afford some therapy!

If it's a business you've inherited, and you're constantly knocking down all your profits by drinking and throwing lavish parties to keep your social revenue up - try to get a competent manager in there so they can keep your head out of water as you spiral downward into addiction. You can still invest in some therapy.

If you're running the business and want to be successful, you're still going to be Behind Enemy Lines, like above. You will have to convey that confidence, especially if you are selling something. Ass and neck clean, you will be fighting the Beast.

A Mixture of the Two

If you would like to appear like you are doing OK, but want to subtly ease your way into the mix, then here is the step for you - and the whole point of this post! This is confidence on a budget, and here are a few ways you can cut costs to get the most out of your buck.

- Quit going out to eat. If you live in an apartment, you (hopefully) have a refrigeration unit and a freezer. These can be used for (gasp!) storing food, and that costs WAY less than going to Taco John's Shiskebab every day after work. The only exception to this is eating from the dollar menu, and only getting a couple of items. You can cook your own food for less than half the cost of having it prepared. This is also cool, because you can cook FOR OTHER PEOPLE. That's always cool. One downside is that it takes time, but you weren't really doing anything anyway, were you? If you're really struggling, you can eat ramen noodles all the time, and you'll still have money left to buy the extra toilet paper that you're gonna need.

- If you're REALLY broke (or if it looks like you're really broke to the government), you can get food stamps. All it takes is a day in a dingy downtown office and a follow-up, maybe two. These things are gold, because you can use them to have some pretty big barbecues. Also, you can sell em! Give your buddy 100 bucks worth of food and ask him for 50 dollars. Score! (Don't do that, it's illegal.)

- Get a roommate, or get a smaller place. You can effectively cut your rent cost in half with a roommate. A lot of times, the problem is finding someone who will actually carry their own weight. A secondary problem is finding someone who doesn't get drunk every night and piss on the couch. You can also look into getting a music rehearsal room. They are cheap, and you're not really supposed to "live" in them, but if you have a computer and do, say, graphic design, you can put all your shit in there, and go sleep at your girl's house.

- The iPhone/T-Mobile Trick. I don't know how long this is gonna play out, but you can get an iPhone (a sign of status), jailbreak it, unlock it, and run it off of T-Mobile - who isn't playing as hard of ball as AT&T is. Right now that means that you have it all, unlimited talk, text, and web, for 50 bucks a month. Not bad for a slacker!

- Avoid Contracts. These will kill you in an uncertain economy. Stay away from subscription services that hook your ass up when you least expect it during the month. There's nothing worse than going out with a girl from a concert and wanting to get breakfast for her, only to find out that your Asian Cum Guzzler subscription hit, and you're 20 bucks in the hole (no pun intended). Try and have few bills as possible: rent, internet, phone. Consolidate anything you can.

- Cheap Clothes, Great Price. There are a lot of stores that have discounted brand-name clothes. In my area, it's Ross. You can get some good shit from there that would otherwise cost you a small fortune. And no one will ever notice the manufacturing defects.

- Other Cheap Shit that's cool. There are drink specials, matinee movies, museum coupons... keep your eyes peeled for stuff like that, because you'll need 'em when you finally go out with a girl.

- If you gotta smoke, roll on! Smoking is a pain in the ass. It's expensive and messes up those things you use to breathe. But all the black-lung pictures in the world can't hold a flame to the way that smoking alleviates anxiety (until you get addicted - then it causes it). If you gotta smoke, try rolling your own. It's a hell of a lot cheaper. Get a roller for a few bucks, a carton of tubes for a few bucks, and a pound of tobacco for about 40. That should roll almost 3 cartons, and that's a lot cheaper than $6 or $8 or $10 a day. Very tedious, though. And don't let anyone see you doing it, cuz you might get called out for being a cheap-ass!

- Drinking. Well, a little drink never hurt anyone.

I know this all sounds sarcastic, but in all seriousness, these techniques are meant to spark your imagination. Anything you can do to cut your cost when you're on a budget means more money in your pocket. The rapper Fat Joe used to sleep in abandoned apartments, and he never told his girlfriend about it. She thought he was out doing his thing, and going home to a comfortable bed, or his mom's house, or whatever. The point is, perception is reality!

How To Be Confident Around Girls

2011-09-14T04:54:00.000-07:00

You walk into a bar. You see your friends ordering drinks. You walk up to them, greet everyone, and then excuse yourself to the nastiest bathroom in the city because you ate some green chile and grade-K beef nachos earlier in the day.

On the way back to your group, you run into that cute girl from work. But she doesn't look the same. She looks like Aurora, in all her splendor, a glowing goddess in a god-forsaken dive. Because that's her name. Aurora. Aurora Colorado.

She's dolled up, and she's with 2 other girls that are equally attractive, looking like backup dancers for Pink, and making you realize that this story is made up.

She says "Hi", and you face her and her entourage, and suddenly you realize a few things:

- You have Grade-K Nacho on your shirt, that sits right at the cusp of your belly and man-boobs.
- You were gonna brush your teeth earlier, but you said "fuck it", like you have for the past 2 days, instead amassing an interesting odor by piling different types of food and chemicals into your mouth.
- You're wearing your ComicCon shirt from last year.

You return the greeting, say something about you haven't been doing much, tell her to have fun, shuffle back to your friends, slam some beer and shots, then find her at the end of the night and slur to her a flurry of spur-of-the-moment words that allow her to infer that you see her as a blur.

Then you kick yourself in the ass repeatedly in the morning. How could this have been avoided?!

The Makeover

This whole makeover thing is getting oft-repeated and starting to lose its effectiveness with everyone trying to make money off it, but it's true. You need to work on yourself a little. It probably won't happen overnight (another truism that is working as a disclaimer for bullshit nowadays), but you gotta make something happen.

So here's a quick list in the confidence makeover:

- I know you love the fast food, but be careful with it. Especially if you don't exercise, and you are broke. Being broke works against you in a capitalistic society, so if you are short on money, don't make it shorter by spending it on something that's gonna make you sedated. Unless that something is Vicodin or Percodan or the like - something you can sample out. Highly addictive prescription pills work best.

- Try to keep yourself clean, you sloppy bastard. Same as above, be careful with ANY food. If you're going out, at least don't advertise what you've been eating all day, unless you want a porker or a slob like yourself. Keeping clean also means wash your clothes sometimes, brush your teeth (at least to get the chives off), and maybe investing some fast food money into some body spray.

- Don't say you're "not doing much these days". That instantly translates to a lot of negative things you COULD be: boring, broke, socially inept, a stalker, an XBox addict, a porn addict, or a serial killer. I realize that you may not be climbing Mt. Everest or maintaining a key role in conglomerate corporate mergers, but you could be studying for your Japanese proficiency exam, writing a book, working towards a promotion, or even taking part in a recent event - like helping someone move, or writing a song. All of which leads to:

- DO SOMETHING!! You can't keep frontin' forever! Get a hobby! Find something that interests you, and start nailing it like the bitch it is. I've always said that if you do something with passion, the money will come (and if you do something for money, you'll hate it, and you'll fall flat on your face). If you like to teach people things, start teaching something. If you like to fight, become a boxer. If you're all logical like Spock, do some programming. Your skills are always in need. Just because website design is competitive and a 2-year old can make a site nowadays, you can always put your own twist on anything.

- The gym is your friend. This one is overused too, but it's truth. Keep in mind what a person's natural desires are: to procreate, to survive. Food, shelter, and security. Although we live in a relatively soft, safe society, the mind knows instinctively that a big fat guy ain't gonna ward off hordes of rival tribesmen, catch gazelles, or fight a cougar. More on human instinct later.

- Don't Go Back After You're Drunk! This little move instantly shows that you aren't confident until you're drunk, and that's not a good thing. If you can talk, then why don't you talk when you meet up, instead of waiting for the liquid courage to kick in and spill your guts? You have something to hide, don't you...

Thoughts on Being Broke

As I posted above, a lot of this translates to money, especially living Stateside. But even if you are broke, you can still be confident, and look good doing it. You should at least have some sort of income, however. I will make a post on this in the future, but suffice to say that there are lots of shortcuts, ways to appear as if you're doing OK. And we all know that appearance is everything, and perception is reality. Here is my Confidence on a Budget post.

It Takes Time

It's gonna take a while for you to start cleaning up your act. Try and stay focused and aware of what you are doing, and it will become second nature to you over time. Don't get too flustered and anxious if you slip up occasionally - it's bound to happen.

One thing to remember is that you can't win 'em all. The most confident people in the world have taken some serious losses throughout their lives. The important thing is how you deal with setbacks (more on this later). A quick answer to that is that if you do something stupid, no one will remember it the way you do.

Keep your head up - build yourself and your life into something great. If you have anything to add, please drop some comment-love.

How Your Religious Upbringing Made You The Most Anxious Person in the World

2011-09-14T03:17:00.000-07:00

By Jesus Christ

Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not kill.

Pretty straightforward. These simple rules do their part in holding together the fabric of society, don't they? In most places, yeah. In some places - not so much. But the thought is there, and there's something to be said for that.

With that out of the way - let's talk about your loyalty and resolve of your family to the church - and all the little neurotic extra commandments you might have gotten in your household growing up.

Such gems as: Thou shalt not dance. Thou shalt not get naked in front of anyone. Thou shalt not swear. Thou shalt not treat school like a Fashion Show. Thou shalt not talk to strangers. Thou shalt not draw attention to thyself.

Sounds like the South.

These aren't explicitly said, but good ol' Mom or Dad might be transferring these onto you with little phrases like, "I don't think that hanging out with that cute girl is a good idea - she doesn't go to church", or "Jesus was just a carpenter, and he was the greatest man that ever existed!" (What 'wood' Jesus do - that's a t-shirt waiting to happen), or,"You know, the people of Sodom and Gomorrah liked to dance, and they turned to salt!" You get enough of those when you're 10 years old, combined with blocking contact with kids that don't fit the bill, you're living in a fantasy world of woman-headed griffons with scorpion tails, water turning into wine that you can't drink, and 40 year-old virgins.

Now, this is based on my own experiences, and I'm sure there are semi-healthy religious families. But some of the most neurotic people I've ever met were Christians in the South (of America, to my African readers, but you may agree). There's a lot of control involved. A lot of the "it has to be this way" mentality. A lot of looking down on, a lot of frowning upon, a lot of conformity. I guess conformity is an OK thing, if you live in a society where that's the normal thing. But it's neutralizing in America (and a lot of other places - I bet I'm looking at you, England), especially if you want to be confident around girls :)

One of the most damaging things to believe in is that "The meek shall inherit the Earth."

This sounds great on paper! Nothing more fulfilling than to know that as long as you sit down, shut up, and get your WORK done, then you will live happily ever after. Now, I know that there are other things implied in this phrase (like, your meek ass probably won't be around to see the meek inherit the Earth), but the effect of believing this nonsense is immediate. People can be all around you, clambering for attention, arguing for what they want, talking to random people and having a great time, while you sit smugly knowing that it is all temporary - your legacy will someday be inheriting ALL of it!

Here's something that just popped into my head while I was writing this:

If you're not supposed to want material things, not supposed to want to have sex, not supposed to be charming or flashy or powerful -

- then what the hell are you gonna do when you inherit the Earth??

Or does the phrase mean that someday you'll get your big reward? If that's the case, then why aren't you getting it now, before your old ass regrets it? Especially when it's all attainable!

That was a tangent, but it's relevant. My point is that religion causes anxiety (or certain religions, like the Western ones), and although the intentions are good, they are damaging when they are put in a commercial context.

Hmmm... religion in a commercial context - sounds interesting....

Depression is a Side-Effect of Anxiety

2009-09-16T01:27:00.001-07:00

Depression is a Side-Effect of Anxiety

This is a theory that I've been working out for some time now. Someone's probably thought of it before, but I believe that depression isn't always a stand-alone deal. I think that it usually starts with anxiety. I suppose there are the cases where there is a true chemical imbalance in the brain that causes chronic depression, but I think that most cases (and most other things - obsessive-compulsive disorder, perfectionism, procrastination, bi-polar disorder, etc.) are the direct result of an anxiety that affects how we view our surroundings and keeps us in a box governed by irrational rules.

I base it largely on my own experiences, and as I try and flesh out the theory, I watch other peoples's reactions to their situations, ask questions, and apply them accordingly. Sometimes it takes a little working around, but I have found that most of their problems are similar to my own.

Growing Up Depressed

When I was growing up, I was a very quiet student/artist. I didn't spend time outside at the basketball courts and football fields. To be honest, I was terrified of them. I don't know why, but I didn't like meeting the new people and dealing with any sort of confrontation. This is mostly from about 10 years old and on, if I remember correctly. I remember playing soccer when I was between 7 and 10, but that ended, and I never went back. I played football when I was 15, and I received a serious injury to my knee that didn't allow me to participate for a while. Instead of going back once I was better, I quit, and stuck to skateboarding - a sport that I loved, because it had "no rules" and you didn't have to "depend on anyone else" to have fun. There was no goal, really.

I remember coming home when I was about 15 or so, and feeling overwhelmed about the events of school many times. I would wonder why I couldn't get a girlfriend, or why someone would make fun of me, or why I didn't anything back (you always think of the good shit to say back to someone after the fact). I heard about depression, and I thought, "that's me!" But it wasn't true. I had anxiety, and that was leaving me frozen solid during interactions with my classmates.

It's Easy to Point the Finger at Depression, Hard to Pinpoint Anxiety

It's easy to think, "I'm depressed, nobody likes me. I can't do anything right. I'm ugly, fat, and don't have the nice clothes that everyone else does." Some of this might be true, but for the most part, it's the perception that it's true that can leave you feeling down. This is the anxiety. This is what you somehow incorporated into your thinking. Just because every single person doesn't like you doesn't mean that you are no good. In my case, I didn't care if the "lower class" liked me - I wanted to be liked by the upper echelons of the student body. I wanted the nice car, the best looking girls in the school, and have the most friends. I have no idea how it happened, given my upbringing, but for whatever reason, I felt that I had to have all that.

And how was I going to have any of it without any money? My parents really coudn't afford to get me all the name-brand stuff, and that was fine. I understand now that it's a very big undertaking to get only the finest for your children. The point is, there was no way I could compete with that class of kids, because I was nowhere near their level of confidence. I couldn't move around like they did. (Something just popped into my head: A post about Anxiety and Religion! It has bearing on what I went throught, but not totally relevant to this post, so I'll do it later)

My standards were too high for what I was able to attain in reality. As I ponder this, I realize that what I mostly wanted were the girls in the upper crust, not the guys. There were a few guys that were alright, but most of them were dicks, and they're the ones that had the designer clothes, the fast cars, and the best-looking girls in the school. I didn't care about the nice clothes, the cars, or being an asshole - but all I could see was that the girls were on top of it. See, my confidence was low, so my anxiety was high, and the result was depression. Anxiety and depression usually move along in a snowball effect, too!

Why Couldn't I Have Just Boosted My Confidence?

Why couldn't I just have boosted my confidence somehow? I have no idea. I think it might have been a strict mom and a never-present dad, although it sucks that I have to lay the blame on them. With anxiety, it isn't your fault, but it's up to you to change it. That's the unfairness of it all. If you don't make a conscious effort to change, then you will get the exact same results as you always have. I knew no other way - I thought people were supposed to be cool, no matter what. What I found was they weren't: everyone has their own agenda, and I had no clue how to handle that, so I receded into a shell. That made me depressed, and all of my anxiety lay on the fact that I didn't know how to deal with people effectively. I always felt like a puppet. Pulled and manipulated to make the puppeteer happy, and make the audience laugh.

Anxiety and Alcohol

Here's a return to a familiar subject on this blog: Alcohol! I'm sort of happy that I never discovered the joy of alcohol while I was in high school - I probably woudn't have finished, and I'm almost positive I would have seen a lot more jail time than I have already. I think that a person like me that has so much anxiety and rigid rule structure in my mind would have went off the proverbial chain back when I was younger. But, there's a part of me that wishes I did find it. Although I wouldn't have done as well in school, probably, I could have figured out some things that would help me in the future - talking to people, being more independent, fighting (more), maybe, I dunno.

Lucky me, I got to find alcohol a lot later in life, and a lot of you have read my "Anxiety and Alcohol" post. Again, alcoholism is a side-effect of anxiety, in my opinion (and my opinion is right!). If you're confident in yourself in any social situation, when you get drunk, things seem out of place.

I Still Get Depressed

It's tough to get over anxiety, and that's the main reason I still have spells of depression. My anxiety tells me that I'm going to be laughed at for my clothes, or my car, or something. It makes me want to stay inside, and that fosters that sickly-sweet feeling of depression. It's actually the reason that I write this blog! Writing here gives me a chance to get all of the shit off my shoulders and focus on something, instead of wondering what I'm going to do all day, and if I'm good enough to do it. This is my anti-anxiety medicine. This, making music, going to school, and writing rhymes. I hope to extend my anti-anxiety medicine to going to the gym soon. lol.

Being Confident Around Girls

2009-09-10T23:22:00.001-07:00

Being Confident Around Girls

You may not know this, but girls are actually not so interested in how confident you are as a person, but how confident you are around other males. I guess I just contradicted myself. Yes, they are interested in how confident you are. Of course, if you are confident around other males that you don't know, then you are most likely to talk to her from out of the blue. If you are shy around other males, or are afraid of getting ridiculed so you tend to keep quiet, then the ladies are going to smell that and run like hell.

How many times have you thought to yourself, "Man, why is she with that asshole? I hate that guy?" If you've asked yourself that, then he's probably a lot more confident than you are.

It's instinctual, actually. Women tend to find someone who is assertive and often brash. It's hardwired into their genetics. Even as they influence laws that prohibit this behavior, they still want it. Need it. The male who is confident in his abilities can do many things: talk to people (network/build teams), look for better work or be his own boss, and oppose those who are in his way. All of these traits are beneficial to women (and also other men).

So, how do you become more confident around girls?

Well, I have a list of What girls want that is very similar to the "how to be more confident" list.

1) State your opinion, unless it's a little too zany. Like my "God doesn't exist" speil. They don't like that too much. It makes them cry.

2) Contrastingly, accept her opinion, and don't go off the deep end trying to disprove her. Agree to disagree, if you gotta.

3) Stay healthy. This is important, especially as you get older, because after 15 years of eating junk food (Americans), your body cannot process it like it could when you were younger. We all know problems are compounded with 10+ years of alcohol abuse. If you simply have to have alcohol in order to talk to girls, you should seek pyschiatric evaluation - you might have an anxiety disorder. AA works, but I believe it ignores the underlying disorder. Also, if you're not healthy, combative situations will be difficult. What are you going to do after the Apocolypse, and there is no law and order? It's important to stay in shape. Or get a gun.

4) Stay clean. I'm not talking about dope, I'm talking about your clothes and face! Shave, get your haircut, buy new clothes every once and a while, and take a shower VERY often. Oh, and brush your teeth.

5) Have money. That way, you can do all the things I'm telling you here. New clothes, haircuts, comfortable place to live, good food, at least an OK car, dentist/doctor appointments, hobbies, taking people out (to eat, dummy) - these are all things ON TOP OF basic shelter, electricity, water, phone, basic clothing/hygiene, and a moving vehicle. There is a difference between "moving vehicle" and "OK car".

6) Be aggressive. This doesn't mean yelling at your frat buddy at the door to join you from the back booth at Chili's. It means not being scared to ask for directions, saying "hello" to the cashier at the store, or calling the insurance company for 2 hours trying to figure out why you were overcharged. The word "aggressive" sounds like a macho term, but it means so much more. Go out and get what you deserve or want.

7) Posture. This is a little cliche', but it's true. The more you look like you are beat down, downtrodden, and blue, the more the people around you are going to believe that. Keep your shoulders wide, your back straight, and your chin up (or at least level? Can we make that happen?). Face the world! Don't look away!

Hopefully, this will get you started (who am I kidding, this is what you'll be doing for the rest of your life).

I've said it before, but I'm no expert. I don't have half of the list up there, and that is why I'm not out dating beautiful women. I did have a lot of those things in the past, though, and when I did, I felt a lot better about myself. One of the mysteries about the whole situation is the money thing. Nowadays, money is the indicator of who you are as a person (America), with the high consumerism that we have. It will be hard to go to school, make many networking contacts, do speeches if needed, and sustain a high-paying position if you are not confident. However, everything is relevant to your area. If you live in an above-average suburb, then you must be ready to compete with the people in that area, their values and standards. If you live in a rough neighborhood or out in the country, the same things apply. Not every place in the world places such a high value on its currency to the point where no man can find a mate, or feels uncomfortable around the opposite sex.

Update
Here is my new updated How to be Confident Around Girls post. Enjoy!

Anxiety and Being Alone

2009-09-10T23:20:00.001-07:00

Anxiety and Being Alone

Having anxiety can be a harsh thing to deal with. People with anxiety often find themselves alone and hopeless. It is a very difficult disorder to handle, because it is hard to change your way of thinking. Just the very thought of doing something therapeutical conjures many questions: "Am I going to have to meet some more people?", "Do I have to go every day?", "What am I going to wear?", among others pop into the affected's mind, and it spurs more anxiety along.

It is such an irrational disorder, that it makes someone affected by it look lazy and unmotivated. The truth is, the sufferer of any kind of anxiety disorder often has big dreams and plans for the future, but also has the irrational fears that block him/her from doing what they want to do, and what they are completely capable of doing. Looking for answers on the internet yields little result, as the market has been flooded with people without social anxiety that are really getting on the ball and pushing out blog entries, getting backlinks, and making money, bolstering their confidence even further. This is fine, but the information is rarely a source of help for the people who have true anxiety. Going to a therapist is worse, because sessions are so expensive, and someone who is socially anxious is probably already not working, or not acheiving greatest at their job.

When I was searching for answers, I came across a few websites that did a great job explaining what social anxiety was, how to combat it, and the misconceptions of other people about the disorder. I will post these and give the long and short of things at a later date.

Right now, I'm tackling the "Anxiety and Being Alone" issue. A lot of people who suffer from anxiety find themselves alone, and that is because they find it difficult to go out into the world, and even when they do, they find it difficult to spark up conversations, or even smile. I remember catching so much hell for a very small spot on my front tooth that I found it hard to smile, and if I told a joke to someone I didn't know well and they didn't laugh, I would immediately think they couldn't focus on the joke because they were focused on my tooth. This would cause me to feel uncomfortable, and think that it would just be best to keep my mouth shut, and never talk or smile. That would keep the discomfort away. As a result, I didn't meet a whole lot of people growing up, and everyone thought I was on drugs because I never talked.

The Fear is Irrational

Of course, this is ridiculous! Everyone has flaws, and mine was very minor. I didn't have a lot available to me, money-wise, but a little spot on a tooth that was almost the same color was barely noticeable. Even if it was noticeable, most people won't say anything, and if they did, I could have been ready to pop a quick quip right back. A friend of mine back in the day would give me hell for it, and I would fire right back at his flaws, many times leaving him speechless - I wasn't mean or anything, just witty. OK, maybe just a little mean.

The point is that everyone has flaws. You may not see them immediately, but they are there. And even if they don't have any externally, they THINK they have them! Most people that get all of the plastic surgery and touch-ups when they looked fine to begin with get them because they are insecure - they think that they will be a better person if they had something augmented. I don't get to meet many of these, but I'm almost positive that's an anxiety disorder.

Get Over Yourself

The hardest thing to do is get over yourself. If you are anxious, it will show. You can go out, be social, talk to people, and crack jokes, but if you have anxiety, you will give out physical cues that other people will pick up on. They won't know that you have anxiety, but they will think something is strange about you. They can see if you don't have a job, or never leave the house, and they will think you are lazy and unmotivated. So, the thing is, you can meet people all you want, but if the anxiety is there, they won't be as eager to give of themselves to you. I think this is close to where I am right now - I meet lots of people, but I'm still mired in social anxiety, and I know people can see it (especially females). I've been off my therapy for some time, and I'm thinking that it's about time to get back on it.

It's hard to get rid of the negative thoughts that we have about ourselves. We have been conditioned to have these thoughts since childhood. It comes in many forms, but the results are similar. We become afraid to do the things we need to do in order to function in society. Small things, too! If you've always wanted hair like the big actor such-and-such, and your hair would never go that way, suddenly you feel like your hair is no good AT ALL! You most likely have good hair, you just don't think it's good because you are comparing yourself to someone else, and that's a big no-no in treating anxiety. The funny thing is - that big actor or actress's hair most likely did not come easy. It probably cost a lot of money to change it from "regular" hair to what it is now.

If You Are Comfortable With Yourself, People Will Like You

I'm sure you've heard the expression "You can't love anyone until you love yourself". I think this is an early expression for social anxiety! I've also heard people say that it isn't true, but how is that possible? If you hate yourself, you aren't giving anyone a reason to like you. You will complain, be avoidant, procrastinate, and rationalize your way out of things because you have a fear. The opposite sex will most certainly not find this attractive. And your same sex cohorts will avoid being around YOU, because you're not contributing to the team - helping with work, networking, introducing people to new people, and entertaining. People in every society look for these traits in people, because they make them feel good. For a human, it's all about spreading around and building things.

If you have a very analytical mind, look around and try to see the traits in a "popular" guy or girl. What do they do that you don't? How do they talk to people? How do they dress?

Safe People

Although beleaguered with anxiety, most people can find their way into at least a couple of relationships, though they might not be healthy ones. As a youngster, it seems so much easier to run up and down the block and meeting people. As you get older, you are choosy about who you run with, and having anxiety makes the choosing a lot more difficult. You have a specific criteria about who you will and will not associate with. You need them to be sensitive to your needs - never scrutinizing you, doesn't have a huge circle of friends, etc. I call these "safe people". These are the people you can go to the mall with and not be on-edge all the time because they are similar to you: they aren't going to be walking up to random strangers and starting conversations; that would probably give you a heart attack! I know it would have me, back in the day. Nowadays, I would have a slight panic attack, and fidget the entire time. But I'm getting better :)

So, How Do I Quit Being Alone?

You must learn more about anxiety and how to combat it. I will have to post some resources later, because I don't have them available at this time, but I can give you a quick lesson that has helped me lots of times:

1) You must stop negative thoughts. Every time you think about doing something, a swarm of negative thoughts immediately begin forming. You worry about humiliating yourself, and eventually give up. Pay close attention to your thoughts when an anxious situation happens, like going to the mall/supermarket, or when a person you think you might want to meet walks by.

2) In your mind, say, "STOP!" This will jar your mind, and the thoughts will be broken for a small instant. Right after, say something internally, like, "I'm having anxious thoughts right now, and I don't like them. I'm going to ignore these thoughts, and focus on something else." Telling your mind this is preparing it for change. Even if you don't believe it, just do it. Eventually, your mind will play along.

3) Start singing or something. I always sing to flush out the anxious thoughts. It is a great way to neutralize the negative thoughts, and it's easy to do. It's better to do it out loud, but that is a little counter-intuitive for the person that struggles with social anxiety, don't you think? Humming is better, and singing in your mind is the least favorable option. Also - if you really just don't want to sing, you can do anything else: clean your room/house, do some push-ups, or take a walk. Just do SOMETHING. This is imperative, because your brain has to know, after it's been told that it won't think negative thoughts, that it must now focus on something else. Doing the things listed above will start making a new path in the mind, and will become habit over time.

I'm So Anxious I Don't Get Anything Done

2009-09-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

I often find myself not getting anything done because of overbearing anxiety. I have millions of ideas, but I never seem to get anything accomplished, because I start to second-guess the possible results. I start to wonder what the results will be before I even start, and, more often than not, the results that I come up with are negative.

Your mind is like a probabilities-processing computer

Or at least mine is. I will have a "brilliant" idea, then start thinking about what I need to do to get it done. For an example, I'll use this blog. I used to look for ways to make money online and otherwise, and I came upon the school of using the search engines to drive traffic to a website by targeting keywords and getting backlinks. This intrigued me, of course, because I thought that I could make money, not have to go outside and meet anyone, and I would have nobody telling me what to do. What a blessing for someone with social anxiety!

- I started assessing the situation:
First thing I needed to do was find keywords, so I looked around and found some, and also found possible sponsors that could pay me once my website started getting traffic. Didn't contact anyone, of course, I just looked and noted ones that I might contact in the future. After that, I made the blog, targeted a few keywords, and wrote an entry or two. I started realizing that it wouldn't happen overnight - that I was going to have to stick with this thing for a long time! That discouraged me, and I eventually stopped posting. I would think, "Wow, I really picked some highly competitive keywords, and I'll never be able to get any traffic for this stuff." My anxiety started getting the best of me.

The Confident Person Just Does It

What I should have been doing in the first place, was just DOING it! It doesn't matter if it sucks, or if the traffic doesn't roll in for a year. The point is, if I had have started writing on a daily basis, I would have a formidable blog by now, and one that would be a great place to backlink from. This idea of creating for the sake of creating eludes a lot of people with social anxiety, and keeps us from getting anything done.

Keeping your mind from thinking about the future will keep you closer to where you're supposed to be and what you should be doing - doing something! The more you sit and ruminate all the possibilities for failure, the less likely you will be to get out there and make something happen. Now, I still have serious anxiety issues, but for the past year, I've been trying to change my ridiculous thinking habits in order to be a little more productive. Here's what I do:

1) If I have an idea, I start working on it very quickly. Today, I started having some anxious feelings about not getting anything done, and then I thought, "Wait, I have a blog for that. I'll just make a post." And now I'm here.

2) I stop thinking about hyperbolic results. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is going to read my blog and just start laughing. This is what anxiety is all about. It is an exaggerated fear of something that probably won't happen. And even everyone in the world read the thing, not everyone would laugh. Some people may get some help!

3) I flip the negative to positive. If someone read it and thought I was stupid for writing this, I would view it as a reason to step my game up. I know that no one's perfect, and you can't please everyone. But, if enough people say you suck, maybe you should look into it. This is where the "that which does not kill me will make me stronger" saying comes from.

Less anxiety = more confidence!

Building Confidence - Abuse

2008-12-18T00:25:00.001-08:00

I used to be an abusive man.

There. I said it.

I was manipulative, hurtful, condescending, and occasionally physical. I look around and I see a lot of other abusive men in the world, and I can always guess what's going through their heads and why they act the way they do. And guess what? It all boils down to self-esteem and insecurity issues! (Who would have thought?)

OK, I know that usually in this blog I drop a little knowledge about how having a low esteem of yourself can damage your life by keeping you away from the things you desire, and actually, now that I think about it, this post has a lot to do with that. I guess the real difference in this post is that I'm speaking more from a man-woman relationship stance, rather than the individual point of view. Although, you can also apply this to friendships, family relationships, etc. I don't want this blog to become a relationship blog thingy, but I think that this stuff really should be addressed. It's really another example of how the way you feel about yourself can affect the way that you interact with others, and what you'll generally get out of life. That said, here we go with the abusive men b/s.

First off, let me say that I'm tired of all the media hype and blustering and blubbering about "abusive men". Yes, it sucks, and it can be perceived as wrong. I'm not talking about any of that. I'm talking about how a man is always supposed to "do the right thing", when in all actuality, some men don't know what it is they're supposed to be doing. I think it's another example of Americans trying to treat the solution instead of the problem. Sure, there are classes out there for anger-management and whatnot, but even those classes are degrading and only show a man one avenue, which is to just quit doing it, no matter what your needs are. Anyway, we can argue about that later, even though I'm sure that one fired up a few folks.

Back on topic:

A lot of men can be abusive without knowing it. They have a solid sense of "how things should be", and let their victims know by subtly manipulating, or by sending them on a guilt trip. Some men will point out flaws in their partners by telling them straight-up.

Right out of the gate, I see the fallacy. "How things should be" - key word there being "should". This is a classic fallacy of the human mind. As we are brought up through life, we think that there are a number of externals that we have to control. We have to have respect from other people, we have to have everything our way, and if we don't (I'm talking about everyone here, don't doze off, ladies), we get depressed, anxious, upset, and start to feel like we're doing something wrong. Because of the fact that usually men and women are brought up differently, this can manifest itself in a few different ways, and I'm gonna be super vague: Women often feel that they must marry, have kids, and live in a house (as per what Mom and Big Momma told them). When this becomes overly expected and it proves unfruitful, they get depressed, sleep around, etc, etc, insert-woman-problem here. Men are taught that they must be dominant, take no ish from anyone, have a beautiful, obedient wife with which to create beautiful children (as per what Pops and the homies told them). When this is overly expected and doesn't come out in the wash, they get angry. Lots of built-up, simmering rage.

Instead of accepting everything as-is and dealing with stupid little problems as they come along, men tend to find a girl (that has flaws just like anyone else!), and take out their issues on her. My problem in particular, is that since I really wasn't a guy sought after by many women (because of my low self-confidence), I found one that I REALLY, REALLY liked, and tried to change her little flaws into something I found acceptable. You can see how this is just irrational. Nobody wants to be changed by anyone. Matter of fact, you CAN'T change anyone. You can only make them more sly - if they stick around.

Here's the embarrassing part (if the above wasn't embarrassing enough). What was I getting mad about? I remember myself saying things like: "You were looking at that guy, weren't you?", or "You said you were going to be back in 15 minutes!", or the best one: "Where did you get this money?!". You can exchange these questions and statements easily to: "Why isn't dinner ready?", "Don't you worry about what's in the bank!", or "You're not going anywhere looking like that."

Because I lacked confidence in myself, I couldn't see that she was with me for a reason (and it damn sure wasn't money). I thought I wasn't good enough to hold her attention. This really pissed me off.

Sure, everyone gets a little anxious at times. Everyone has a low moment a time or two in their life. What pushes it to physical abuse? The short answer is drugs. The longer explanation is that since people with low esteem tend to abuse alcohol (and anything else), their emotions are heightened, etc. - you know all the things alcohol can do to you. Conversely, someone who beats their girlfriend/wife completely sober for over a week is a pretty cold M/F'er, and that's a pretty low self-esteem.

Well, I think I've rambled enough and made enough people mad. But oh well. I've been there, and I can honestly say that it wasn't fun. I can also honestly say that I had no idea why I did what I did, and I had no idea how I could cure it. Alcohol awareness, Alcoholics Anonymous, church, parents or anything else couldn't have shown me what I had to find out on my own - and that's to keep building confidence in myself through therapy to decrease my anxiety and depression.

Building Confidence - Alcohol

2008-12-15T14:09:00.000-08:00

Self-confidence is integral in how we go through our lives and our success. As mentioned before, I believe that there is a definite link between self-esteem/confidence and alcohol. There is more of a probability for people that struggle with confidence issues to abuse alcohol.

The person with a lack of confidence is usually afraid to meet new people and feels trapped in his/her own world. Going out can cause a great deal of anxiety that is very hard to overcome, and leaves the victim feeling "locked up" and unable to speak. Ingesting alcohol is an easy way to ease the feelings of anxiety, and once a person who has anxiety issues tries alcohol, they realize that the beverage could easily be an answer to their problems, as the alcohol wards off inhibition and feelings of inadequacy.

The temporary relief of these feelings of extreme anxiety at first seems to be invaluable to the victims of low self-confidence. The sufferer, after a few drinks, will feel confident, "witty", and charming in social situations. In actuality, the inebriated person already has these charming qualities, but a lack of confidence and debilitating anxiety keep them from exhibiting these traits. This can leave one feeling "trapped" within themselves, and desperate to find a way out.

What happens as time goes by, the brain will let the person know that he/she can be social, but only after drinking. This translates to not being able to go out without having a few alcoholic beverages. If the root cause of the anxiety is not examined, this cycle will continue, and the situation has no other recourse than to become worse, and in the future, uncontrollable.

Of course, in the later stages of alcoholism, it becomes harder and harder to quit, as the body becomes dependent on it physically. Upon quitting for a time, users may experience alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Depending on the stage of alcoholism, these symptoms can range from anxiety (which was probably present in the first place) to seizures and delirium.

But the main point of this is to point out that alcoholism is usually the product of a low self-confidence/anxiety disorder. Once a person begins to have confidence, the need to drink (especially heavily) dwindles to a certain extent. It doesn't become an everyday "mission" like some people make it. I have friends that try their best to drink an 18-pack of beer every day, and they are miserable. They also begin to lose respect among their peers, and that makes them even more depressed. Now, on top of having to ween off of alcohol and develop a new way of thinking, they are also burdened with the original source of anxiety.

It's important to us that we begin to learn how to manage our lives confidently and without outside stimuli.

How To Build More Confidence

2008-09-19T21:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we know how a lack of confidence can affect us. It can make us hesitant, resulting in missed opportunities and possibly isolation that could lead to depression and anxiety. But how to we build more confidence?

The answer to this is not easy. There are many lists on the internet giving tips on how to increase self confidence. There are probably a lot more lists out there on how to feel confident talking to girls or guys. Most of them say pretty much the same thing:

1. Dress Nice
Clothes don't make you, but they do affect and reflect the way you feel about yourself. If you dress sloppy, people assume that you don't care and won't play by the rules. Do not be fooled by the "beauty is on the inside" adage. If you look like a soup sandwich, people will naturally react negatively toward you. This, in turn can have you feeling that you were right all along: No one likes you. That can send you into a nasty spiral.
Be sure to bathe and shave everyday, and try to stay in line with the latest trends at least a little. I hear all you non-conformists out there groaning, but you want more self-confidence, right?
This doesn’t mean you need to spend a lot on clothes. Just try to get yourself a few things that are nice when you have the chance. You will see later that when your confidence goes up, so does your overall success, and you will continue to grow and grow.

2. Change Your Walk
People can tell that you are tired and beat down by life if you walk around dragging ass with your head down. Show the world that you have a purpose (even if you don't!). You have people to see, things to do! Walking with your head up and maybe a little quicker will make you look and feel more important.

3. Good Posture
Similarly, the ol' posture does much of the same thing. People with slumped shoulders and lazy, pained movements display a lack of self confidence. They aren’t enthusiastic about what they’re doing and they don’t consider themselves important. You'll automatically feel more confident with good posture. Stand up straight, keep your head up, and make eye contact (this is another issue).

4. Self-Talk
Everyone talks to themselves whether they are conscious of it or not. We use this self-talk to encourage ourselves in many situations. You may not have the automatic positive self-talk that confident people use habitually, so you might have to make a more conscious effort to let yourself know that you have many great qualities. This can be hard to do, especially if you are a sufferer of social anxiety. Talking to yourself out loud, of course, is better, but for starters even looping something positive in your mind is great.

5. Be Thankful
Sometimes we are stuck in a loop of negative self-talk. You want to achieve a goal, but your mind keeps telling you that your aren't good enough. You would be surprised to know how much you actually have going for you. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. This is a lot like positive self-talk, and it can motivate you.

6. Compliment Others
Complimenting people makes them feel good. When you make others feel good, they in turn see you in an extremely positive light. This will elevate your confidence, and you will feel a lot better about yourself when you have the adoring eye of other humans. This feeling of kinship with other people is a very large part of our species, and without it life seems bleak and hopeless. By looking for the best in others, you indirectly bring out the best in yourself.

7. Sit In Front (Get Out There!)
I'm pretty sure you like to sit in the back of the room in class or at meetings. You don't want to be looked at, called on, or talked to. This is a fairly obvious indication of a low self-confidence. If you sit up front (or next to that cute girl/guy), you can get over this irrational fear and build your self confidence. You’ll also be more visible to the important people talking from the front of the room.

8. Speak Up
A lot of people never speak up because they’re worried that people will judge them for saying something stupid. As a matter of fact most people are dealing with the exact same problems and fears, so speak up, because what you're saying is not retarded. By not speaking up, you lose that human interaction, and you lose the recognition by other people that marks your place in the world and gives you a sense of purpose.

9. Work Out
Back to personal appearance, physical fitness is a HUGE factor in self-confidence. This sucks, but it's just the way it is. If you’re out of shape, you’ll feel unattractive and less energetic. By working out, you improve your physcial appearance, energize yourself, and accomplish something positive. Having the discipline to work out not only makes you feel better, it creates positive momentum that you can build on the rest of the day.

This is pretty much the gist of the build more confidence checklist. By staying in shape, dressing a little nicer (hopefully a little nicer every time you can), grooming yourself, carrying yourself with pride, and speaking up, you will be seen by your peers as a confident individual. You will be liked, sought, and your presence will be enjoyed.

So what if you feel like you can't do these things? My suggestion is to try and figure out what is eating you. Social Anxiety is what I mentioned before, but many kinds of anxiety have crippling effects, namely, procrastination and depression. Try and figure out why it is you're so afraid even to try these techniques, and try to utilize some positive self-talk to neutralize those fears. In any event, professional help should be sought.

Build More Confidence - A Word About Social Anxiety

2008-09-09T23:49:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, then you have low self-confidence due to social anxiety. This is a paralyzing disorder that can lead to depression and procrastination. Since almost everything we do is based on society, this can mean that you really don't feel like doing anything at all, and that makes it hard to have confidence or build more confidence. After all, how can you be confident around people when you're scared of what you'll say or if you might embarrass yourself?

I never realized it fully until recently, but I struggled (and still struggle) with social anxiety for many, many years. It would manifest itself in all kinds of ways, and I would even fear doing things around my house, when no one is around. That's just crazy.

My social ineptitude was magnified when I would try to talk to someone or try something new, and fail miserably. This only reinforced my already shitty self-image, and sunk me deeper into depression and isolation around strangers, especially. I've always had a close group of friends - I always seem to seek out people who display similar traits, and I feel "safe" around them. I always felt/feel more confident around them, but around strangers I was like a deer in headlights.

This sent me spiraling into alcohol abuse and depression. Since I was severely inhibited while I was sober, I decided that I liked alcohol because it took away all of those feelings of not knowing what to say or how to act around strangers. Truly, I was a lot of things on alcohol - charming, hilarious, uninhibited, assertive and dangerous - all things that I thought were great qualities, but none of which I could achieve sober because of my "shyness".

This is common in sufferers of social anxiety, and in my case it got me in a whole hell of a lot of trouble. Once my drinking went over-the-top, so did my antics, and I really didn't care one way or the other what people thought (finally!).

Building self-confidence isn't something that alcohol can do for you. Once the potion wears off, you're right back where you started, and you're probably a little more depressed that it took a beatdown on your liver and wallet to get you the guts to go and talk to that semi-pretty female playing card games on the crackbox at your local bar.

But battling social anxiety is a true bitch. The only proven method of permanent change is through Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, in which the false beliefs you have about yourself (I'm ugly, no one likes me, I could never do that, I can't talk in public, etc.) must be shown to you and systematically and slowly changed. Immersing yourself in your fears only shows you your failures and reinforces your false belief system. To make matters worse, most therapists don't really like to cite the cause "social anxiety" in their diagnoses. My guess on that is because they would rather pawn off medication on the general public to keep everyone paid, except for the suffering victim. I could go on and on about that in another blog, but this blog is about building self-confidence!

So, before you try and go out to your doctor to get yourself some Paxil or whatever, think about what you're really afraid of. If you start to ask yourself some questions, you may figure out that you're really afraid of nothing (you might already know that), and that's the first step in looking for a real way to get better, and become more confident.

Build More Confidence - Confidence Blog!

2008-07-16T00:50:00.000-07:00

Hey, all.

Thanks for dropping by my Neuro-Programmer site. I personally use Neuro-Programmer, and I think it's a great product, but I think that the subject of confidence needs to be pursued at a different level, so I am creating a new blog exploring many aspects of self-confidence as applied to daily life situations. It will also be a haven for my misplaced anecdotes of debauchery and wild antics as related to the subject of a low self-esteem.

Not to say that I can't be wild anymore. Heh.

I am going to start adding a log-type element to this page. I admittedly don't use the Neuro-Programmer 2 as much as I should be, but from time to time I put it on. It always helps, though - making my thoughts clearer and I almost always come out of the trance feeling more confident and ready to take on the world. I have several logs over on my other site, and I will slowly start to bring the entries over here.

So stick around! There's plenty of mind-bending activity going on, and I'll try to bring nothing but the best!

Check out Becoming More Confident over here.

Build More Confidence - Neuro-Programmer

2008-06-14T05:12:00.000-07:00

Can software actually relieve you of anxiety, stress, build confidence and help you focus more?

The Neuro-Programmer 2 (NP2) is an innovative software application for the PC, built to help you stimulate your brain and achieve lasting personal change. NP2 combines brainwave entrainment, hypnosis, visualization and other psychological techniques to help you transform your mind and enhance your mental abilities.

"NP2 combines the methods of many different fields and disciplines into one easy to use program built to help you change yourself.

For example, one way NP2 affects the mind is through a neurological process known as brainwave entrainment. When neurologists first began to measure the brain's response to stimuli, it was found that if light and sound stimuli were precisely timed to the electrical activity of the brain, brainwave patterns could actually be altered. In turn, the mental state of a person could reliably be changed. As an example, someone who is wide awake may start to feel relaxed and drowsy when given a stimulus corresponding to a relaxed brainwave pattern. This has become known as audio/visual brainwave entrainment. Today, 70 years after the discovery of this effect, brainwave entrainment is widely used for a huge variety of purposes, not only to measure the brain's response, but also to train the brain to a particular mental state. It has become so widely used that many clinical EEG units come with entrainment devices."

Learn more about Brainwave Entrainment, Self-Improvement and Changing Your Life at the Transparent Corporation website!